


Hearts Were Meant To Be Broken So They Can Heal

by jronekis2 (minhyunbin)



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drama, Drama & Romance, Love, M/M, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Partners, Multiple Relationships, Relationship Discussions, Romance, Slice of Life, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22988935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhyunbin/pseuds/jronekis2
Summary: They were the perfect couple. Grew up together, studied together, got together; for the longest time, both had thought that their path was laid down for forever...until things changed. Minhyun sought for someone to understand the lines he wrote under the moonlight, and Jonghyun just wanted company on lonely nights. Yet, as their hearts lay miles away from each other on a shared bed, neither could bring it up to move on. Because when you're in a relationship for 8 years, it's hard to walk away from the habits molded into you.Yet, under the canvas of the universe, Minhyun's lyrics were picked up by melodies of a boy with a toothy smile.And in the deafening silence of the shared apartment, Jonghyun found someone who spoke the same language of his loneliness.Above all, hearts, have a mind of their own.
Relationships: Hwang Minhyun & Kim Jonghyun | JR, Hwang Minhyun/Kang Dongho | Baekho, Hwang Minhyun/Kim Jonghyun | JR, Kim Jonghyun | JR/Aaron Kwak | Aron
Comments: 19
Kudos: 50
Collections: Spring Blessings (Nu'est 8th Anniversary Fic Fest)





	Hearts Were Meant To Be Broken So They Can Heal

**Author's Note:**

> fic based on prompt 311. this got a lot longer than expected, but I hope you'd enjoy it.

Sounds of shuffling feet along wooden flooring could be heard; busy pattering of feet as the two house owners hurried from one end to the other in the make-shift walk-in closet, occasionally bumping into each other only to let out a soft chuckle at the contact. There’s more yelps when one walked into the waist-high display shelf, and another upon trampled toes. The space was tight, and already so when only one was in the room, but with both of them rushing for their appointments, things only got a lot messier.

“That’s weird, where did my cap go?”

“...Which one?”

“The black one.”

“Almost all your caps are black, Jonghyun-ah.”

Minhyun commented with a soft smile, but he spotted the exact cap Jonghyun wanted out of the dozens scattered all around. Jonghyun had always been someone who was never that into fashion, who was more than satisfied with his current look and wardrobe. A simple man, with simple clothes. Over the years, nearly every new shirt, new tee, even new underpants was gifted by Minhyun to fill up the shared closet. But out of the many new caps, from the black crystal designs to trendy bucket hats, Jonghyun almost always goes for that _one_ cap.

The very first one that he gifted him, when they were in high school and scraping every single extra penny from their allowance and part-time jobs. It was the NY cap, black with white words sewn upon it. The authenticity sticker was no longer there, having fallen off with the amount of weathering it had witnessed in its lifetime, but the cap itself was still in great shape. At that point in time it was a pretty big deal for him to even get hold of one. As a high schooler, he knew nothing about fashion, except that it looked pretty cool.

Today, Jonghyun still called it a pretty big deal with his trademark smile, one that rivaled the sun with teeth showing and eyes softening, gazing upon you like you’re the only thing in the world that mattered. The kind of smile that no one could escape from, because he didn’t. 

And it had been nearly eight years since. 

“Here,” he said, stretching one hand over to offer the item while his other made quick work of the collar, straightening the shirt so that it wasn’t crooked in the least. Jonghyun would walk out the door with his collar in a mess on days where he couldn’t care less, but Minhyun would always notice the little details like these. They drew his eyes in like opposites of a magnet, the urge to iron away the tiny imperfections to perfections.

He paused, taking an additional second just to watch Jonghyun flatten the cap onto his smaller head after pushing his long fringe back, exposing his handsome brows for all to see. It accentuated Jonghyun’s boyish charm that he thought he would never get sick of watching over and over again, while noting the male’s all-black outfit once again. 

Even after all these years, he still kept his minimalistic black outfits, changing only between white and grey and all the shades in between. Every once in a while, Minhyun would successfully sneak in one colorful, accent piece to Jonghyun’s outfit, but today, there was no time for him to play stylist. At least, not with his roommate’s furious shuffling of feet. 

“You’re picking up Lucky again?” Minhyun asked, holding out the wallet easily while Jonghyun was still patting down all the pockets in his coat, amused smile on the face. It didn’t take long for the other to realised, sheepish smile and awkward laughter filling the air as he took the wallet from his pale fingers. After so long, it was hard not to even notice the little quirks in daily life. Like how Jonghyun, a master of observation and memory, always seemed to forget where he left his wallet or mobile until he patted down every single available pocket. The way Jonghyun would drink the homemade iced Americano with exactly two ice cubes. Or how he pursed his lips into a furious pout when he’s fighting a difficult boss match in a new game. 

After eight years, he thought he would have seen almost everything, and vice versa.

“You’re off to the studios?” Jonghyun asked in return, looking at him through the mirror as he flipped the collar of his coat. He’s doing a pretty bad job at it, enough to make Minhyun walk over to help him with it, making sure the hoodie wasn’t rolled under the collars with how harsh he’s tugging at it. Jonghyun stilled, like he always does when Minhyun comes up to him from the back. He does the same when Minhyun reached to ruffle his hair gently, combing them in place. And again when they’re both on the couch, curling up while watching Minhyun’s latest Korean drama addiction. 

At this close proximity, he could smell a whiff of cologne from one of his Jo Malone collections. The smell today was muskier, the sort that Minhyun rarely used but somehow suited Jonghyun’s quiet, dark charisma. He could see the top of his head if he tipped his toes, something that he does often back in schooling days just to annoy each other. But Jonghyun had all but given up on their height difference, especially after Minhyun grew an additional inch taller towards the end of high school, making it the perfect height to wrap his arms snugly, the perfect height where he could rest his chin on shoulders comfortably. 

Yet today, his hands hesitated.

Jonghyun turned around when he felt the fingers had stilled, stepping away while tugging on the hem of his hoodie. It allowed Minhyun some leeway to make his escape, the taller male stepping back as he dropped his hand awkwardly. It doesn’t seem like Jonghyun noticed, or if he did, he never voiced it. 

“Another late night?”

In between Jonghyun’s bright eyes gazing deep into his, Minhyun tried a small smile, one filled with part reluctance as he turned away, stepping towards the coats section, leafing through it one by one as part of his daily winter wear routine. Silence filled the air in that split second, followed by the click of hangers shoved against each other as Minhyun’s hands moved quickly down the line. 

Each click counted down the seconds Jonghyun waited, before he finally spoke up.

“Mmhmm. You know Dongho, his working hours are out of the ordinary.”

“Right.” 

“I might not come back tonight, maybe.”

“Alright. I’d grab dinner with Mingi then. Don’t stay up too much.”

“I got it.”

Quiet footsteps drew away from his corner, moving out of the room. Minhyun didn’t have to turn around to look to know that Jonghyun was making his exit, small feet half shuffling as he moved. The imagery had long been ingrained in him; from the way he slouched over slightly, dressed up in oversized hoodie. Minhyun used to think that his back view gave an illusion of a puppy dressed up in clothes too big for them, because Jonghyun was like a puppy. A good boy. A loyal one.

Eyes met with his reflection in the mirror when Minhyun looked up, and his breath hitched for a moment. Sounds of cabinet opening and shutting punctuated the silence in the air, and the male forced himself to turn around. In his mind, he wanted to run forth, to hold onto the male humming a broken while tying his shoelaces, to pull him into his arms. But his feet remained rooted, and all Minhyun did was to whisper his lover’s name aloud.

“Jonghyun-ah.”

“Hmm?” 

He couldn’t see the petite frame from where he stood, his words just floating in the air directed towards the opened door. This was a chance, another chance. An opportunity for him to come clean. Lips parted as he struggled with the words that he rehearsed night after night. Yet like a fish bone, it stung his heart as it got stuck in his throat. It made him gasp for air, more metaphorically than physically, and if he could he would claw out the words from within. 

Movements stilled outside the door. Jonghyun’s waiting, like he always does, standing at the entryway for Minhyun to follow up. He’s silent, probably confused, but he never rushed him. Jonghyun was a man of patience, and Minhyun loved that side of him, the side that was so understanding of his struggles, never forcing things out of him. Just quietly supporting, quietly lending his shoulders, quietly waiting.

Except now, like thick air, it suffocated him. 

“...Minhyun…?”

The taller male heaved, opening his eyes, turning away.

( He can’t even meet the imagery of Jonghyun’s bright orbs appearing in the darkness of his mind. )

“...I’m sorry,” he mumbled. The emptiness of the air carried the quiver of his words, sending it to the man outside. Jonghyun stared at the wall, a photo of the two of them laughing with arms around each other’s waist on one of their overseas trips. The walls separated the lovers, kept the distance between them. Jonghyun knew exactly where Minhyun was standing in the other room, and could hear the apology loud and clear in his dulled eyes.

The ‘sorry’ that carried more than just a by statement of him coming home late, of him being left alone once again. Jonghyun grabbed at the door, refusing to hear what his mind thought of the meaning behind it. There’s a deep, penetrating fear, a thin rice paper standing in between the reality that was about to hit and the current situation. He doesn’t want to break the balance, the harmony. So he rejected the notion, rejected the apology.

“Don’t worry, it’s work! Anyway, I better go.”

The door clicked shut before Minhyun could say another word, but it didn’t have to. Because Minhyun would bite his tongue back before a slew of confession left his lips, because he too held the same fear. 

Because his words would be like hideous black ink, smearing upon their picture-perfect relationship, and Minhyun was an unwilling painter who would rather show the world his meaningless masterpiece till the final moments.

* * *

“Ah! Jonghyun-ssi, you’re here for Lucky right? ...Is Mingi-ssi not here today?” 

Jonghyun smiled kindly at the girl standing at the receptionist counter, lips curling upwards as she glanced behind him ever so slightly. There’s something endearing about watching two people who held a flicker of interest towards each other hidden in the depths of their eyes and soft words. It’s hopeful, and intense when you look at it in close proximity. 

He too once held that flame on a candlestick, standing watch over it carefully no matter rain or shine to make sure it burned as bright and as long as he could. It wasn’t a one-man thing either, and he had his lover’s hands holding it close to his heart too. Together, the flame burned brighter. He thought it would never fade away, but with winds passing through the cracks of their distant fingers battering at it day by day, Jonghyun felt like he could only keep it alive if he held his breath to the very ends.

His eyes softened. Love could norish a person at their weakest state, and it too could take the strength out of a healthy, living person. But those weren’t the kind of words he would tell someone so obviously in love.

“He got delayed with something, so he told me to get Lucky first,” he replied. He knew that there was no way Mingi would miss any opportunity to meet Yumi, and even with his weariness, he wished nothing but the best for his best friend. Mingi had been going to this particular pet hotel ever since he met her, but again, it’s not something for him to reveal. Jonghyun wouldn’t dream of taking his spotlight away like this; he wanted Mingi to have fond memories to recall upon when their relationship took flight, the same way he’s experienced before. 

( Thoughts like this only burned a bigger hole in his heart. He rejected the thought again. )

There’s a bark that broke his thoughts before a pup jumped and clinged onto his lower calf, its owner’s familiar voice ringing from behind filled with exasperation.

“Yah, yah! Noah-yah. Noah! Stop doing that!”

Jonghyun tilted his head to find the excited Shiba Inu wagging its tail excitedly, nuzzling into his open palms, clearly wanting to play. He squatted down immediately, welcoming the attention from the dog with laughter as he arranged his cap, tilting backwards when Noah was close to climbing into his lap, reaching hard to press his tongue against the human’s cheek. A pair of sneakers appeared in front of him, and Jonghyun followed the pair of legs upwards to Aron’s handsome face, smile widening at his dramatic sigh.

“Who’s a good boy? Noah are you a good boy?”

He moved side to side, arms swinging as Noah hopped along, jumping and barking, until Jonghyun guided Noah towards its owner.

“I’m so sorry Jonghyun-ah. Noah! Be good.”

He straightened up to look at Aron, hands in his pockets as he chuckled. The elder might be just slightly shorter than him, but his presence is undeniable with his hair styled to reveal his forehead and full brows, curling ever so slightly. He’s a familiar face by now, someone he almost always met at the pet hotel since Mingi dragged him there. 

In between the few and far friends he had left, Jonghyun certainly did make fast friends with Aron. And it’s too easy to be drawn in by Aron’s charm. From his accented Korean that’s almost childlike when he spoke in excitement, to the countless stories from traveling the world that led him to his current job in Seoul. For Jonghyun, who worked freelance in the comforts of his shared apartment after the end of his last programming job at a mega corporation that took too much time and energy out of him, there were really only so many people he got to meet from time to time.

And being around Aron was easy, _comforting_. 

If he wasn’t attached, he supposed that he would admit Aron is pretty attractive. Well, even if he was attached, and had been so for the last eight years, he’d agree that Aron is a charming individual. 

That was simply where he drew the line.

“It’s okay hyung, because Noah is cute. Hi, Kkotsooni. How are you?”

The female shiba was more introverted compared to the outgoing Noah, obediently sitting by Aron’s side as she barked upon the call of her name. 

“Hey, what about me?” Aron asked, a teasing grin surfacing on his features as he tilted his head to the side. Jonghyun noticed that he’s wearing a blue, red and white gym jacket zipped all the way up to his chin, and a pair of fitting Adidas pants with white converse. A classic university student outfit, if he would add, one that doesn’t match the striking visuals and hairdo he had up for work. 

“Had a long day at work?” Jonghyun commented, before pointing to his hair with a laugh when Aron let out a look of surprise at his correct guess. “Your hair, it’s still up. Usually you’d come by with a cap, or normal hair. You know.”

“Here I thought you were a psychic,” Aron chuckled, mono-lidded eyes disappearing as he raised his left hand to cover his mouth. It was infectious, and Jonghyun found himself mimicking the smile, apples of his cheeks rising all too easily.

( He ignored the light flutter in his tummy, quenching down on the emotions. He didn’t need them. Shouldn’t have them in the first place. )

Then the glass door swung open, Mingi panting as he burst through the door. It was enough to snap Jonghyun to his senses as he stepped away. He didn’t mind the fact that Mingi beelined through the space between them, heading right towards where Yumi had appeared with Lucky in her arms. The usual Jonghyun would have yelled flabbergasted words in response, but with someone else occupying his mind, with the conflicting emotions of guilt mixed with embarrassment at how he was almost caught by his old friend for looking at someone else with possibly star-struck eyes, he said nothing.

“Ah, young love.”

“Hmm?” Jonghyun turned, bill of his cap nearly touching Aron’s own. He followed the elder’s line of sight towards his friend, watching as the two laugh quietly over something as Mingi collected Lucky into his arms. But what he heard was the slow thump of his heartbeat, drumming in his ears at Aron’s proximity. He’s slightly taller, but not much. Unlike how he had to always tilt his head upward to gaze into Minhyun’s eyes, Jonghyun could turn and meet with Aron’s pair on eye level. 

He blinked, staring straight ahead. “Oh, yeah. It’s pretty obvious, huh?”

“Haha, yeah. It’s cute though. Real cute. By the way, do you have KKT?” 

“...”

“I mean, if you want to. It’s just, I don’t usually know many people outside of work.”

Aron’s holding his phone out with a tiny smile, almost hopeful, all too childlike. Jonghyun’s eyes softened amid his hesitance, and he eventually took the phone to key in his number. The elder’s eyes seemed to light up, and Jonghyun just shook his head in another chuckle, easing the shuddering heart.

After all, having an extra friend around isn’t a bad thing, right?

( Because Jonghyun too, knew full well how it’s like to feel lonely in this part of the world that never sleeps. When he had to tuck himself in the shared apartment, his lover busy with his work and nowhere to be seen, when he had to watch building lights splattered across the land in the distance till the sun’s up on sleepless nights, he lived through the loneliness that stemmed from within. 

Perhaps, around him, Aron was the only other person who would know how it felt. )

* * *

“ _Haa...haa_...D-dongho-! W-wait!”

Fingers gripped into the twisted bedsheets and the natural curls of the buff male’s hair, hips rocking in perfect rhythm amids the shameful moans echoing in the sound-proof room. Minhyun’s eyes rolled in pleasure, long legs wrapping around Dongho’s firm but tiny waist in comparison to the broad, broad shoulders, eyes glancing beyond him towards the pale ceilings and orange lights, lashes fluttering.

The couch wasn’t the most comfortable place to have sex, but it was certainly the most convenient. When he first spotted it in the newly refurbished studio, one that Dongho had been working on for months after Bumzu hyung got married and moved out of their rented apartment, he had teased him for his impatience. Dongho had been flustered, because beyond that of the bed, with tousled hair and sweat streaming down the face, he’s always been more of a shy person. One with delicate thoughts and pretty words contrasting to the tough outlook he wore. 

In fact, Minhyun had been amused when they first met, introduced by Bumzu for a musical project. At that time he had been working as a journalist for a small-sized but still popular magazine, spending his days running from gig to gig trying to catch the latest entertainment trends, writing music reviews with song demos sent to his email streaming in every hour. It was tiring, draining. Minhyun had ambitions to do more than be stuck in a small firm writing baseless gossip and 50-word music recommendations. 

He wanted to be a writer, an author of his own best-seller for a title that he changed time and time again. He wanted to write his own column in the biggest publication in Seoul, to be a featured writer in the field of travel or music. He wanted to craft poems, writing his thoughts to inspire. He also wanted to be a lyricist, penning down the stories of his loved ones and beyond to a melody. 

He wanted an outlet to showcase what he truly thinks he was capable enough, and there, he met Dongho.

Dongho was wide-eyed and bright, a male with a toothy infectious smile. At that time, he had thought that if Jonghyun’s smile was a dash of sunshine on tanned skin, then Dongho’s smile brought warmth with a glint of mischief, a midday sun compared to the morning rays. Minhyun had smiled politely, shook hands, and sat down to hear Dongho speak about his latest music and his dreams of being a producer with over a hundred published songs under his belt with an air of naivety dancing on his tongue.

Minhyun also knew that Dongho took an instant liking to him, because he’s been nothing but nice. He remembered all the things Minhyun said he liked and worked hard ( read: struggled to do his best ) to keep his studio clean and neat simply because he caught him putting music sheets into a neat pile at the end of their every meeting. He would remember that Minhyun only drinks grapefruit-themed drinks and prepare chocolate treats to satisfy his sweet tooth cravings.

He would also tell Minhyun that he’s handsome in between sessions, compliment him in every way possible when the situation arises. Like a cat chasing after a laser beam, Dongho is not the ferocious tiger that everyone had labeled him because of his strong jawline and buff figure. He’s a follower, a worshipper, and Minhyun, his leader, a god.

The affection started off amusing. It was more admiration too, because Minhyun could see that the blond sincerely liked his lyrics. Besides Jonghyun and Bumzu hyung who told him he had some potential and Dongho was the only person that didn’t know him, but liked his words. It was a nod to the skills he’s sharpened over the years since he was a teen, lanky and hiding his first drafts of short stories in notebooks, too afraid to show them to the world in case he failed. It was a lifeline to his pride, a blanket to calm his insecurity. 

It was something that Minhyun was truly grateful for. 

They both never talked about the infatuation. Minhyun never commented on how Dongho’s eyes seemed to glide towards him between recording sessions, even when he felt the heat from his peripheral vision. The raven never said more than a simple thanks when he woke up, with Dongho’s bomber jacket on his shoulders to keep him warm. He returned the favor by buying the producer his favourite Iced Americano, and that was the extent of it.

Because then, he was truly and happily in love with Kim Jonghyun. His childhood sweetheart. The only and only person that he’s ever known so much about since they were children, and vice-versa. They grew up together, and it all seemed so natural for them to grow old together, too. They were best pals, best friends, best lovers, even if there were stark contrasts between their interests and goals in life. 

At that time, it felt like they were _forever_.

But a lot of things change in three years. Minhyun learned that when you spend hours upon hours working with someone in close quarters, when you realised that you have more things in common than you actually expected, little surprises that delight you in ways you weren’t ready for, your heart will waver. His heart did exactly that, and Minhyun could not stop himself even if he tried.

Because in his life, no one knew him the way Dongho did. 

Whatever words he put on paper, Dongho made magic out of them. He created songs that fit the perfect mood, painting the imagery in his mind in ways far better than Minhyun could ever imagined. Without Dongho, his words were only ink blotches on abandoned scrapes, left to fade into nothingness. The producer would take any and every sentence he wrote, crafting melodies that cradled his lyrics like they were the most precious treasure in the world. 

Minhyun wrote stories, but Dongho gave them _life_.

The hidden thoughts, the messages he wanted to yell into the world but couldn’t, spun into lines after lines of lyrics was finally heard. 

Nothing shudders his belief and heart more than this sheer enlightenment of understanding. If Jonghyun’s understanding was kindness and tolerance, then Dongho’s understanding was a deep insight into his heart and mind, rattling his soul.

That wasn’t the only thing they were compatible in either, as it seems.

“Minhyun-ah, let me hear you,” Dongho mumbled against his lips, kisses firm yet tender, swallowing his moans as their hips rocked against each other. “ _Say my name, I want to hear you say my name._ ”

The taller male shuddered at the way Dongho peppered his kisses down the side of his chin, starting from the corner of his mouth. Like tracing a pattern of his unspoken love for Minhyun, tattooing his yearning in invisible lines. It’s almost gentle compared to the way he thrusts into him, large, calloused hands gripping onto his waist so hard he thought it would have bruised. 

( Sometimes it does, leaving a patch of dark purple on pale skin like flowers blooming on blank canvas. )

Tummy clenching under the warm fingers dancing along the skin; it’s Dongho playing like his fingers were flying along the black and white keys of the piano. If Minhyun thought the back view of this sexy man playing his best instrument was mesmerizing, then the way they feel across the most sensitive parts of his body - his abs, the insides of his thighs, even the way he slipped them past his teeth to play with his tongue - it drove him crazy.

It drove him over the edge, over the line he told himself never to cross.

“D-dongho...Dongho, please...a bit, more, _haa_ . **_Dongho-yah_ **.”

He palmed along the flushed skin of Minhyun’s inner thighs, pushing them apart and pinning him completely on the couch. Sounds of human flesh smacking against each other was loud, interjacking with labored breath and low groans, followed by Minhyun’s singing. His voice, a beauty of its own that rivaled the best instruments he’s ever played, enthralled him. Minhyun always had a soothing tone; he adopted a lower one when he speaks, a beautiful face that doesn’t hide the confidence in his words, spoken or written. But when he sings, lips parted and note wavering in the air, that was what got Dongho’s heart racing time and time again.

Dongho’s heard Minhyun sing countless times over the three years since they started working together, under the name of Bumzu’s studio. Dongho was an unknown producer remixing instrumental tracks and sending demos to every label he’s ever heard of. He’s never heard back from any of them, but Bumzu showed up in his circle one day, and his life had changed ever since. 

Bumzu had introduced Minhyun as the new budding lyricist on board. It wasn’t supposed to be his full-time job, but whatever pieces he could churn out would work for them. They were a two-man studio, and any added help, Dongho would gladly take it. Besides, not only was Minhyun a talented lyricist, he was also a great singer. One that Dongho could count on lending his voice for more demo tapes whenever needed, hitting different ranges and vibes of songs that he himself wouldn’t be able to complete alone.

From the moment he landed his eyes on him, in his soft smile and long eyes, Dongho liked him. He just never knew the extent of how far his love would take him.

Days passed, and they settled into a perfect work system. The more he knew about Minhyun, the more he fell into the knowing depths of those orbs, and the unsung stories in ink. Perhaps that’s also why he couldn’t take his eyes off him, because Dongho always had an afiniation with ink. The way they grazed his skin in the form of block letters and symbols, marking his journey on the book that’s his own body, was liberating. 

And Minhyun’s lyrics were the same, demanding his ultimate devotion, begging to be known to the world. Never had his melody been owned by any form of text until Minhyun’s appearance. Dongho knew he worked well with Bumzu, but working with Minhyun was a whole new world. His music now had a purpose, and his melody had found a home, seeking solace and hiding out in the filled lyric sheets handed to him time and time again. 

It inspired him. 

_He_ , inspired him.

So even though he knew it was wrong and that the lyricist was attached to someone for years, Dongho couldn’t help but fall for him. He knew Minhyun would never look at him the same way he would look at his boyfriend, the guy he hung out with most of his life, even if he’s writhing under him at this very moment, cheeks flushed in a beautiful shade of pink that ran up his ears and across his torso.

Even if Minhyun had told him directly that the first time they had sex was a mistake. Even if those words broke his heart and reminded him of the sheer reality that he’s the affair.

He’s not Minhyun’s lover, but Minhyun would always be his lover. 

Because Dongho knew for sure that he loved him.

Being in an affair was wrong, but was being in love wrong? 

The producer refused to believe so. It’s not fair to call his sincerity a fraud. It’s unjust to label his love as unworthy simply because he was late in knowing him. If Dongho had the courage, he would yell to the world that his love was deserving of a chance. But he can’t, because he’s weak. He’s weak to the way Minhyun looked at him with a conflicting gaze, a pained look mixed with a plea. 

Even if it was Minhyun who came onto him, pulling him in for an almost desperate kiss after not speaking for a few days after their night, making _them_ a quiet agreement that they would both not speak of when others are around. 

( A secret. )

Dongho knew immediately that Minhyun would never walk away from Jonghyun towards him. But he was willing to maintain this affair out of his own selfishness. Because he couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to lose someone he’s sure was akin to a _soulmate_. 

Because this was _their_ secret, and he was satisfied with that. 

( In a sick, twisted way of events, Dongho realised that they had one more thing in common: they both had a fear of losing the person they fell for. Minhyun could not give up on a relationship for seven - now eight - years, the same way Dongho couldn’t give him up. No matter how there were bad days in their relationship, no matter how Minhyun would sigh and shake his head besides mentioning that he just had a ‘disagreement’, Jonghyun would always be his first love. )

Dongho was a simple man, and Minhyun knew that. He knew that Dongho would never ask for anything more than this - the call of his name during their most intimate moments, hidden in their private space. Dongho wouldn’t dare dream of anything else because he was always too sweet, too easy, too nice. 

The raven was the devil for taking advantage of Dongho’s simplicity.

Since he could not hurt Jonghyun, in essence, he turned to hurt someone who could withstand the pain, albeit if it hurt himself too. He had dragged Dongho into his own mess, into his unhealthy relationship and life choices, but Minhyun was too selfish to let him go too even though he had the chance.

Minhyun could have walked off the next day and never looked back. He could have pretended not to see the hurt flashed in Dongho’s tiger-like orbs, see the way the light was being put out by his cold harsh words that he used as an aggressive shield, each word like a porcupine spine thrust into the other’s heart just so he could protect his own dignity. He could have left this studio no matter how much he liked the job, because realistically he had a portfolio to call his own, and branch out into something else.

He could have done a lot of things, but the one decision he made after the few days was to walk into his studio, grabbed Dongho by the collar towards him, and kissed him senseless in the most clumsy manner ever.

But was it really wrong to love two people at the same time?

Minhyun hated the word because the connotation was cheap, but what he was doing with Dongho _was_ **cheating**. Minhyun could hate on the word for all that mattered, it wouldn’t take away the fact that he had an affair with Dongho. Even if he drifted apart from Jonghyun for a while now, he hadn’t broke off the relationship to enter a new one.

He’s a cheater, no excuse.

Even if he knew that deep down, his heart was broken into pieces, each given to different people at different times of life. There were a few shards he reserved for his family, for his friends. One giant piece for Jonghyun, who he learned to love and can’t break away from loving, years of habit accumulating into a tangled mess. 

Sometimes he felt like their relationship had regressed back to friendship, but it didn’t hold the same air of innocence as it once had. They can never go back to the old days where they’re just two brats who simply like to hang out with each other after class, pranking classmates, studying together, playing together. They had kissed and held hands and saw the best and worst of each other.

Beyond the eight years of officially getting together, there was the years before that as friends, building blocks piling up into a high fortress wall guarding this relationship within. To the rest of the world, this was one of the best fortresses they’ve ever seen, standing tall against all obstacles. Minhyun would disagree, as he saw the little cracks surfacing between the bricks, and the wall would fall apart if any of them picked up the hammer, well prepared for them by their feet, and swung at the walls.

It would crumble, like dominoes falling one after another without the will to control themselves. 

And when someone has been a part of your life for the longest time, you simply can’t walk away because you had a change of heart. Minhyun knew that while his heart doesn’t flutter at the sight of him the same way he did as a youth, a part of him still cared for Jonghyun truly.

Was ‘care’, not a sign of love? 

Once, someone told him that the heart-fluttering moments and high school crushes never last forever. The burning passion for another person would cease to exist, like how all hearths would have a day where it burns out. Instead the love between couples turns into the love of a family, a familiar. Close but different. Passion turned into deep mutual respect, butterflies replaced by firm pats on the back of the hand. 

In that same line of thought, Minhyun thought their progression was normal. That sleeping within each others arms turning to sleeping with their backs facing against each other was a natural thing to happen. Eight years, surely eight years would turn any ‘I love you’ to quiet nods of acknowledgement and understanding at a mere glance. He doesn’t question the distance between them, even if their bodies were so near, their warmth within reach. 

He hadn’t questioned it, until Dongho crashed into his life and ignited the flame that had been put out.

The difference between Jonghyun and Dongho was that Minhyun would never be able to say the words ‘I love you’ to the latter. Dongho deserved more than a false sense of hope without promise; he deserved more than Minhyun’s selfishness. He would never say the three words just so that he would be ready to let him go when the right person comes along for Dongho. 

Thus, when Dongho asked him to call his name, Minhyun did it. It was the least he could do, to give him his rightful share of attention. 

Dongho never had to do it anyway, because Minhyun craved for him like moth running into flames even if it burned them. It’s like an addiction, and Minhyun was drunk on the unconditional love from the blond, greedily taking every single bit he could squeeze out of him. 

( He didn’t dare admit that perhaps, just perhaps, his heart had long lost a piece to the man with a summer demeanor and late noon smile. )

“ _Dongho-yah_.”

Soft voice called his name over and over again, like a mantra, and fingers dug into Dongho’s back, leaving marks of red on the firm, sculpted muscles. Minhyun arched his back, pressing his chest against the other man, having a read need to feel his body heat burning his own skin. Everytime Dongho kissed him, Minhyun could feel butterflies scurrying in his tummy. When his husky grunts was harshly whispered into his ears, Minhyun could feel them burn, feel his whole body burn.

Heat spread across every inch of his body like fever, yearning for his one and only solution - Kang Dongho.

The way Dongho asserted his dominance over his body, exploring every single spot of his body in a way he seemed to be worshipping it - gentle lips and teeth grazing lightly, tickling his senses. His expert use of tongue whenever he flattened against the length of his hard-on or flicked at his nipples sent shivers down his spine. And his weight, sinking into him when he pinned him down onto the bed, couch, even the floor, making him writhe and begging for more, drove Minhyun crazy.

Without saying those words, Dongho pampered Minhyun through his raw display of love, serenading him with moans of pleasure in between bits of roughness, stemming from the clumsiness within him. 

“Hnn-!” 

Minhyun whined when Dongho pulled his legs around his waist, hoisting them higher that his ankles were dangling on the shoulders. He felt his bottom being lifted up as Dongho knelt, pulling him close. He could feel every inch of Dongho inside him, the girth, the heat. 

He’s _so_ close.

“Minhyun-ah...have I ever told you, that you’re beautiful?”

Certainly, he had. He’s been saying that since forever, since they just started working together till the nightly escapades at work. Minhyun would disagree, because monsters are anything but beautiful.

Yet, it was exactly like Dongho to fall in love with an ugly creature only to call them a beauty. It’s dumb, it’s so silly. 

It made his heart wrenched in a knot.

Hand ran across those perfect abs upwards, lightly alone the two prominent tattoos on his chest and further up to his neck and cheek, tugging. His kiss for Dongho was languid, arms wrapping around his neck when the blond leaned in, tongue tasting each other’s scent - for Dongho, that’s a light whiff of citrus and fresh ocean breeze. 

A kiss that spoke of his gratitude, a kiss that called his name, as they rode their climaxes together.

* * *

Sunday mornings were usually lazy mornings, but in between their different busy periods, Sunday mornings became waking up to an empty bed and a post-it note for each other. So today was a rare day, as Minhyun mused when he snapped his eyes open, sitting up gingerly so as not to make too much noise.

Rain or shine, Minhyun had a schedule where he would routinely set his alarm. Work days meant punctuality, and non-work days meant a leeway of additional two hours, but nothing more. Minhyun would then wake up at the very first shrill of his alarm, so loud that it would wake the whole building up if he left his windows open, perhaps.

Only Jonghyun would sleep through it, long accustomed to the loudness. He once teased that it was simply because Minhyun’s natural voice was loud enough that his eardrums grew a thick protective barrier. Drunk Jonghyun confessed that it was because Minhyun’s arms were comfortable, and he would fall asleep in his arms at any time.

Minhyun shifted, turning to look at his lover by propping his head up with a hand and elbow on his pillow. It had been so long since he last had a leisure time like this with him, so long that it felt like deja vu, a dream he conjured from his mind. It didn’t feel real until he ran his fingers through the thick hair, lightly tucking them to the side so it doesn’t prickle their eyes. 

Jonghyun’s hair grew long again, much like the time they were in university. Two college kids finally graduating from the pains of a high school system with uniforms and strict rules on how long your hair could be and how short your nails should be. Jonghyun didn’t change much from high school, still loving his trusted hoodie, but he grew his hair out, with his lavish bangs so long it covered his brows and sometimes prickled his eyes.

Minhyun remembered being concerned whenever he started rubbing his eyes, before it turned into amusement, like an adult watching a child until he dragged him to a hair salon to get it trimmed. Jonghyun called it the mushroom hair, endearing and utmost adorable. It accentuated the innocence in his eyes as they sparkled, tugging at his heartstrings so much that he couldn’t help but run his hand through his hair, ruffling them before combing the strands back in place.

It reminded him of the time they first moved in together. They were in the last year of their university, at one of the busiest times in their lives, but it was the most eventful one. Minhyun was running a successful student press club and earning his double-major in literature and creative writing. Jonghyun had finally gotten the internship of his dreams at one of the biggest Korean mobile gaming companies doing game coding. They had a paper to do, friends gatherings to meet up ‘before it’s all over’, and a house to move into.

This house.

Their parents had paid for the down-payment, and even though it was a stressful period with ample fights, it was equally memorable in how quickly they made up, how happy they were doing little domestic things like folding clothes together or struggling in the kitchen to make edible meals. They were hopeful with a bright future waiting for them, their dream careers seemingly set in stone and their dream romance blossoming into a new chapter.

What had happened?

One day they were all happy with each other, ending statements with ‘I love you’ at every turn, cuddling each other while they excitedly shared about stupid things in class. Half of Jonghyun’s stories involved the friend ‘Mingi’, a flamboyant drama theatre major that was in the anime club because he wanted to court the female student president at that time. Most of Minhyun’s stories involved a new book he’s tasked to read, and more importantly, the little stories he’s written on the side that he was never able to tell anyone else.

Jonghyun was never much of a reader, but he listened to his stories attentively, from beginning to end, head resting on his lap and lidded eyes gazing right at him.

And then graduation came, and work happened. Minhyun’s first year in his magazine stint did not get off on a good note. Working in the department he disliked the most, doing minute things that drained his energy while trying to survive in a toxic and time-consuming media industry, Minhyun’s life became work, work, rest, and occasionally, time for Jonghyun.

Things weren’t all rainbows on Jonghyun’s end either. Gaming industry ran on projects, and there were days where he wouldn’t be at home, spending nights in the office rushing for a new beta release or patch fix. Jonghyun spent more time in front of the computer working, gaming, and then working again. 

There was little energy for anything else. Friday movie nights turned into an obligation till they unanimously stopped it upon agreement. Dates turned into cafe meetings, two hours of them fiddling on the phone before buying dinner to eat at home, letting the dialogue between K-drama characters fill in the void between them.

Jonghyun’s eyes seemed to have lost its sparkle, thousands of stars that once reflected in his gorgeous orbs disappearing overnight. Minhyun’s voice lost its loudness, weariness slipping in to replace the ridiculous laughter with soft hums. Jonghyun learned to sleep on his own without the sturdy arms of his lover. Minhyun got used to waking up to a cold, empty bed as his lover left for work. 

New habits formed in place of old ones, but neither of them thought to fix a system that hadn’t broken. Instead like robots, they settle into new pace, playing along like nothing had changed. 

Maybe they hadn’t realised anything had changed until it was too late.

“...Minnyeon…?”

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” 

The boy struggled to keep his eyes open as he woke up from his slumber, eyes feeling more swollen than normal. Jonghyun gave up after a while, shutting them promptly after a chain of unidentified alien noises slipped from his lips, words that clearly showed how sleepiness has clouded his mind. Out of instinct, he scooted closer to the source of warmth under the thick blankets, and Minhyun caught him easily within his arms, as if he’s already been waiting for it.

It’s like conditioning. It was unconditional, but now, Minhyun couldn’t tell if it was his habit, or his heart. He knew that this was right, that this should be how things are. That he should be cuddling his lovely boyfriend of eight years instead of curling up in another man’s arms, but something was off. It could be the guilt that’s eating at him again, the devil’s whisper that was mocking him for putting up his pretense so perfectly. 

It could be something else altogether. 

“Minhyun...” Jonghyun’s voice was muffled, husky and raw with sleep. 

“...Uh?”

“ _I’m cold._ ”

Two words, and he’s already tightening his arms around the smaller frame. No matter what, he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t reject Jonghyun’s arms wrapping around his waist, face pressing into his chest. 

_It’s not the right time,_ he told himself. The day’s too perfect, the occasion too rare. He’d find another day to tell him, a day that’s better suited for both of them. Not when Jonghyun is tired and deserving of rest and pampering. Not when there’s pure serenity reflected in his features, brows eased amid the soft rise and fall of his chest. 

Not today. 

( Little white lies that he told himself to feel better. )

Minhyun closed his eyes as he held back the sigh, pulling the blankets over them and covering Jonghyun’s head to keep him away from the glaring sun streaming through the windows. Today was the day he did the right thing to amend his wrongdoings. Today, he’s dedicated it to Jonghyun, to do his best that doesn’t end up in breaking his heart. 

It shouldn’t be a difficult thing.

Or so he thought when he drifted back to sleep, only to wake up to the wetness coming from his lower half. He shuddered, lips parted to reveal a sound of pleasure. Minhyun stirred, fingers slipping into those soft locks as he glanced downwards. Off all things to wake up to, having Jonghyun between his legs, lips wrapped around the tip of his cock, was not something he was expecting. 

When his tongue dipped just below the bulbous tip, tracing the veins on his shaft, Minhyun trembled, hands on Jonghyun’s head pushing before fingers tightened to grasp his hair. Jonghyun moaned, and he could feel the other’s breath ghosting over his sensitive, exposed skin. 

“...Hyun-!”

It’s been a while since they even had sex. Life was too busy - the perfect excuse for anything too intimate. Despite the time-off they had from each other, however, it was evident that Jonghyun still knew Minhyun well. He knew exactly which spots to make him submit, which inch would elicit a shiver of pleasure. 

His cock twitched in Jonghyun’s mouth while long fingers pumped the erect shaft lightly, before moving downwards to fondle his balls in teasing motions. Touches so light they tickle, yet he moaned instead, hips arching only to have one firm hand hold him down. He cracked one eye open, skin flushed all the way from his ears down the neck, taking in the sexy view of his boyfriend’s tongue flicking and trailing down the underside of his cock.

The move made him impatient. He wanted to feel good, and wanted Jonghyun to take him into his mouth. His body was honest, craving for more. And when the other finally relented, taking him throat deep, Minhyun wrapped his legs around his neck, holding him close, eyes closed and body arching in pleasure.

They were each other’s first in many things, and needless to say, sexual experience was one of them.

The first time they did it, they went to a hotel. A luxurious one, by any high school graduate standards. The couple had worked part time in their respective places; Minhyun in Kyobobooks while Jonghyun took to the nearby comic-rental store. They tried working together at first, but Jonghyun couldn’t take the boredom of scanning books and plastic wrapping all the new ones. He doesn’t get the hype of screaming fangirls yelling at each other in the line when Kyobo store opened up their fansign event either. It’s too loud, too stuffy. 

( Come to think of it, it’s almost like he felt the same way being in the tiny, cramped studio when Minhyun dived into songwriting. The space is perfect for two but a crowd with three, and packed at the fourth. Jonghyun stopped visiting after a while, and Minhyun never pressured him to. He knew he didn’t quite like the place, didn’t quite hit it off with Dongho either. )

They had pulled together a pile of money, one that allowed them to go on a weekend staycation outside of Seoul in a good-enough hotel on the 200th day of dating. It’s so childish, so innocent, two boys with wide-eyed curiosity and obvious nerves that they sat at the hotel lobby for a full hour before daring to check in. As if anyone would have judged them for staying in a hotel away from home, catching them in the midst of attempting something so sinful and shameful. 

No one did. Hotel staff didn’t bat an eye after checking them into the room, merely handing them two keycards and a best smile with the rehearsed chorus of ‘welcome’. Just leaving two giggling youths in their awkward strides and secret glances in the lift, shoulders bumping as they skipped down the corridor to their doors.

They stumbled over each other’s feet, luggage long forgotten when the door closed upon them. The affair was a mess. Jonghyun fumbling over with the condoms that he scattered all of them out of the box; Minhyun knocking the back of his head against the headboard. As all inexperienced couples were, their first time was less of pleasure but more of laughter. But it was memorable, a fond thing to look back upon as one of their many little secrets. 

These days, they don’t have too many shared secrets anymore.

Minhyun moaned, unabashed, hands sliding behind Jonghyun’s back when he leaned down to capture his lips. Tongues intertwining, him following after his lover’s lead in the sloppy kiss as Jonghyung thrusts into him in languid motions, like he’s trying to drag out the time, teasing him till he’s letting out a series of illegible mutterings and begging to cum.

Eyes opening when Jonghyun drew away, he watched those orbs turn a shade darker, and looked at his own shameless reflection in them. He felt exposed, knowing well that Jonghyun could see every inch of his naked skin. Even if they’ve had sex countless times over in the last eight years, it never failed to bring a sense of embarrassment in such close proximity, to see himself writhing under another man’s weight so clearly. 

Like the time they went on a trip to Japan, when Jonghyun fucked him against the clear windows of the skyscraper in Tokyo. It was a celebratory trip for their graduation, and Jonghyun had booked them into a good hotel that overlooked the cityscape below. Countless buildings light up like stars in the dead of night under their feet, and yet the skies were so dark it made the windows appear like black mirror; he could see Jonghyun clearly behind him, see the way his own body reacts to every kiss and slide of hand on his skin. Saw how honest his body was, hips moving on their own, bruised lips parted in moans that fogged up the glass when he bent over, cheek pressing against the cool surface.

He had closed his eyes and turned his head to the other side, immersing in the pleasure, but unable to look at how unruly he became, how easily he caved to such intimacy. 

No matter when, Minhyun always wanted to remain perfect in Jonghyun’s eyes. The prim, proper, perfect boy. Not someone who indulges in such body pleasures, not someone who was a freak in bed. 

Even if Jonghyun whispered how _beautiful_ he was, describing his flushed skin and shuddering breath like they were spring petals fluttering in the wind. Jonghyun was not a poet, a man who was more rational and logical in his programming mind, but he could paint a world of beauty in such moments, sweet words serenading him in a husky voice with gentle strokes down his leaking cock as he thrusts against him from behind.

Meanwhile Dongho was different. Dongho had seen every imperfection of him, the way he was flawed. Saw his unspoken temper as he seethe in absolute silence, lips pursed in a corner tearing lyric sheets into shreds to start over again. Or the way he would speak of harsh clients with commentary equally, if not harsher in the privacy of their studio. Dongho embraced all that, and his little quirks for cleanliness, to the severe issues such as the very fact that he was a cheater, a man who made no promises to him despite having sex with him.

With Dongho, Minhyun was brusque.

But just like Jonghyun, Dongho would take every bit of his bad points and turn them into praises. He doesn’t put it as beautifully as Jonghyun does; instead it was a clumsy narration of ‘how can you look good with jjajangmyun sauce on your face’ to ‘you have my favourite kind of face’. It was raw, unedited, and sometimes hilariously not akin to a compliment, but all of it made Dongho a bit special. 

He flicked his eyes open, breath hitched. Jonghyun narrowed his eyes as he pressed in closer, so close that Minhyun could see every pore on the gorgeous tanned skin, see the perfectly capped teeth. But instead of the glowing smile, Minhyun swallowed at the force of Jonghyun’s growl, an edge of feral that only had him tightening his stomach, heat rushing downwards. 

“ _You’re distracted._ ”

The words commanded his attention, and Minhyun snapped out of his short-lived reverie. 

“I…”

Voice trailing off, Minhyun only felt a wave of guilt washing upon him as words knotted in his throat. What could he respond? That he was thinking of something else, of _someone_ else? He couldn’t bring himself to say it. To say anything that could potentially destroy the relationship, burying eight years under a rubble pile of lies. 

He couldn’t bring himself to face Jonghyun, even though he deserved to know. Deserved to have the right to slap him in the face and leave. Minhyun just couldn’t do it.

So he looked away. 

Jonghyun doesn’t seem to be expecting an answer, peppering kisses down the side of his neck to his chest, and then down to the waist. The sensual indulgence mixed with avoidance made his mind confused. He enjoyed the sex with Jonghyun, always did. Even now, after the longest time, he still loved the way Jonghyun marked his body in silent kisses, declaring him as his without the need to let anyone else know. _Their little secret_.

But did he still love him? Love him like the way they were eighteen with butterflies fluttering in their tummies, confessing to each other amid so cautiously that Minhyun cried when Jonghyun accepted it. 

The male doesn’t have an answer. He couldn’t tell if he still loved him, or he loved him in a different way. He couldn’t be sure if it’s just the jolts of pleasure convincing him that there’s still love underlying everything. 

( Because surely, it’s not possible to love two men at one time, right? )

“...?”

He opened his eyes, glancing down when the movements stilled. Brows furrowed lightly as he propped his torso up with his elbows, Minhyun followed Jonghyun’s line of sight to the fading bruise at the side of his hip. Breath hitching once again, this time his blood running cold as a sense of fear seeped in. 

Did he see? See the mark of someone else on his skin? Know that he wasn’t the only one that left their inkling on him? 

Jonghyun caught the hand instinctively reaching out to hide it, intertwining their fingers, then forcibly pressed them to the side. 

No eye contact took place, and Minhyun eased the tension out of his shoulders as he sank back onto the bed. Perhaps it’s for the better. Perhaps by seeing that much, Jonghyun would know, piecing two with two together. Someone as observant as Jonghyun would definitely know. 

Maybe this way he wouldn’t have to say anything else. He could minimize the amount of hurtful things to say to the person most innocent in this relationship. Jonghyun could walk away, and it would hurt him - break him - but it would also relieve him. Because Minhyun is a coward, the biggest one when he had to look at Jonghyun’s wet eyes, and Minhyun knew that he would lie over and over again just to keep their relationship as perfect as it was. 

“Hnn-! Jonghyun! It hurts-”

Teeth bit down hard onto that patch of skin, enough to bruise and draw blood as he sucked. Minhyun winced, fingers pushing at Jonghyun’s shoulders before they slipped into his locks, pulling him close. The pain hurt and excited him all the same in a twisted manner, and Minhyun found himself succumbing to Jonghyun all over again.

Their sex was almost always gentle. Soothing. A little too vanilla, if Minhyun were to be honest. But it felt good, and Jonghyun always had a way of getting under Minhyun’s skin, arousing him in feather-light kisses behind his ears to a slow roll of tongue around the tip of his index finger. After all, the years weren’t just spent learning about each other’s interests and hobbies; the nights were for them to explore every spot of the body. The spot connecting the jaw and his neck had him shuddering; the angle of his thrusts always have him groaning for more, and that expert stroke of his hand from the base of his erection at the perfect timing drove him in slow ecstasy. 

But it was rarely ever rough. Jonghyun wasn’t a rough person. He voiced out his frustrations in a neat orderly manner, explaining his anger in logical statements as a way to be understood. He had his days where he took control, eyes narrowing dangerously in an almost childish, jealous spite that ended with an adorable purse of his lips, like a pouting duck when Minhyun responded with a laugh. And there were times where he would pin him onto the bed with such ferocity that his wrists bruised lightly, accompanied by mutterings of apologies the next day, and soft eyes filled with worry.

Jonghyun had never marred his skin, only ever a small spot of a hickey in covered areas. It was Minhyun who would dig his nails into the wide back, clawing out lines of a broken wing. Leaving aggressive bite marks on his shoulder blades when they rode out their climax. 

But today, Jonghyun was marking him, teeth marks clamping down on pale skin so hot Minhyun thought it would burn him. Tears stung his eyes at the sensations as the thrusts got harder, faster, bed creaking under the weight and intensity of the motions. He wrapped his legs around Jonghyun’s waist, hips raised, needing more, always greedy for more. Jonghyun pulled him up, till he was seated on his lap, larger frame undulating his hips as his lover leaned in, tongue flicking at the perking nipples before he bit the porcelain skin just right next to it.

There was a hint of anger behind the domineering act, a declaration of some sort directed at him. _‘You’re mine_ ’, each mark yelled, ‘ _you’re mine and the world would see!_ ’ 

Minhyun shook his head in a weak protest, sense of shame filling him the same time pleasure flooded his veins. Jonghyun didn’t give him time for a breather, pulling him close as their chests pressed flush against each other, kissing him deeply, _kissing him senseless_. 

He’s kissing him like the world was falling apart and he didn’t care, like time was ticking away and he was making a desperate attempt at catching it, holding it as long as possible.

( Hadn’t time ran out for them a long time ago? )

“Jong, Jonghyun-ah, wait...I-I can’t...Stop... _ha…_ I-I’m going to cum- _nnng_!”

They pulled away slightly, Minhyun’s arms still around Jonghyun’s neck as he rides his bum to Jonghyun’s rhythm. Lidded eyes met with Jonghyun’s hazy ones, and he felt his stomach tightened as he shuddered, shaking from how his boyfriend was jerking him off roughly. But his heart ached at the sight of Jonghyun’s expressions even when he exploded with pleasure. 

Because the way Jonghyun had looked at him with those round orbs, filled with unspoken anguish and pain among anger and exasperation, would haunt him whenever he closed his eyes.

* * *

He noticed it. Of course he would.

The late nights that turned into multiple sleepovers. The missed calls that he wouldn’t pick up because it was ‘their date night and no work would stand in between us’ were long gone, becoming hushed phone calls as Minhyun ducked away to another room. Long talks at meal stopped, and if they ate together, it was always about the most meaningless things. The weather today was bad, a cafe that served pretty good lunch that they should go ( but never did ), and that they ran out of cereal.

For the longest time, Jonghyun put his faith in a silly thing called trust. He trusted Minhyun, which was why he never prodded him besides a soft ‘is that so?’ at the end of their conversations. He never voiced out the fact that Minhyun spent more time at the studio than at their apartment. That besides work, he spoke a lot about Dongho and their silly episodes in the recording room. 

( He didn’t like the way Dongho was looking at Minhyun either. It was full of stars, bursting with admiration that mirrored his own when they were starting out. So eager to please. So happy to even just look at him in close proximity, like a puppy wagging tail. Minhyun might not have noticed, but Jonghyun knew that Dongho liked him more than just a co-worker or a friend.

It's the reason why he had stepped close to kiss Minhyun on the lips every time he left early when visiting.

It’s also reason why Jonghyun stopped visiting altogether after a few months. )

After Minhyun told him that ‘he’s thinking too much’ with a laugh, brushing him off with a quick peck on the lips, Jonghyun never attempted to ask him again.

Besides, what can he ask? ‘Do you not like me anymore?’ ‘Am I a bother to you now?’ ‘Are you cheating on me?’ 

These were the kind of silly questions he often see in dramas that Minhyun loved to binge watch, often commenting on how mary-sue female leads need to take it down a notch. Now he felt like he was the exact same as the badly-written characters, following the same route of unease when Minhyun disappeared at night again, not even replying to his simple text messages.

All signs point to the direction that things were not like before. That their relationship wasn’t the same anymore. That they weren’t even trying anymore.

And it hurts. It hurt even more seeing the mark on the hip, a hickey that he too left on Minhyun’s skin in the past. It hurt to know that his quiet sense of trust was taken for granted. It’s like a slap to the face, a jolt of betrayal overcoming him that all he could do was to hurt him in return. To replace the smear of another man by leaving his own marks on _his_ lover.

But are they really still lovers?

Jonghyun doesn’t know. By all standards of a relationship, they never broke up, hadn’t even raised it before because both of them understood the severity of it. They’re not children who put the two words on the tips of their tongues like threats. And yet, there’s no denying that the flame was flickering, struggling, almost put out.

In fact, Jonghyun doesn't know if it was flickering to stay alive, or flickering to die.

It was about the time when they started a new phase of their work about two years back when things began to change. Jonghyun was moving up as the head programmer of his small game studio, being one of the three full-time programmers with two successful mobile games under his belt. The third project, then, was a special one, one that eventually took up most of his time and spare energy. It was a crucial time, a time where he needed to pour everything in, even if it meant speaking to Minhyun a little bit less, to go to bed long after Minhyun has snoozed for the night.

He believed that Minhyun would understand. It was a short-term thing, a few months for him to reroute his work and life balance to get everything together. He was only advancing forward, and his stable relationship could wait a little bit more. 

It was similar for Minhyun too, walking away from his journalistic job to work as a lyricist full time. He had a studio to call home now, thanks to Bumzu’s introduction and this producer dude by the name of Kang Dongho. _‘Minhyun was working hard too’_ , Jonghyun reasoned, ‘ _he was working hard to achieve new heights in his career, and I had to work hard too_.’

The couple had big dreams. A nicer house with two new rooms, where Minhyun could turn it into a study-slash-music enjoyment space, while Jonghyun would have a fully functional game-entertainment center. Maybe they could adopt a pet, depending on how comfortable Minhyun was to that arrangement. Have a nice little bar space to their kitchen. Travel plans that they’ve circled out in magazines time and time again only to lay forgotten because of their work. A month-long Europe trip that would exhaust every bit of their penny just so they could have the best enjoyment. _Dreams._

Now, he doesn't know anymore. If he had dreams, if they still have a common dream.

He sprawled on the table, eyes closed. Jonghyun’s tired - he felt it in his bones and the way his heart sinks every time Minhyun seemed to avoid his prolonged gaze and slipped out the door. All the excuses he made up for his lover had disappeared, because now he knew he couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

Nothing was the same anymore besides the robotic habits of morning greetings and farewell cheek kisses. A formality. A ghost of the past. 

“Jonghyun-ah, are you alright?”

Aron came into view when he opened his eyes, concern laced in the way his thick eyebrows furrowed together, corners of his lips pressing downwards slightly. Jonghyun slowly pushed himself upright, shaking his head, trying on a smile as Aron slipped into the only other empty seat at the table.

“Do you need to rest? I can send you back home,” he continued, hand lightly overlaying on top of Jonghyun’s hands. It was cold to touch, enough to make him shiver involuntarily, but after the initial cool sensation, Aron’s hands radiate with a different kind of warmth. It was a safe sort of feeling, the kind that gave the illusion that Jonghyun was in the comforts of his own home, a safe haven to fall back on. It was comforting. And he couldn’t bring himself to pull away because he needed it.

Because Aron was the only person who would understand this lonely ache.

“I’m fine, hyung,” he said with a laugh, pushing up his fake glasses. They were accessories - Minhyun’s - but he wore them to cover the weariness reflected in the eyebags and sleepy eyes. It didn’t seem to help, because Aron’s gaze was strong, seemingly penetrating through the zero-degree plastic right into the depths of his orbs. “Been gaming too late, that’s all. Ah, I have to admit, once you have passed the age of twenty-five, your body’s different now.”

“Hey! What about me, I’m your hyung!”

Aron laughed, and Jonghyun followed suit, a true smile in a few days. With that, the topic’s settled. Being with Aron was like that - easygoing and spontaneous. Jonghyun would be able to jump from one discussion to the next and Aron would ride with the wave, easily cruising into the different lanes despite Jonghyun’s rambling mess. He wouldn’t judge nor ask too many questions, allowing Jonghyun to dictate the flow of their conversations whenever he felt like it. Aron doesn’t pry, but he held the sort of understanding in his kind eyes when Jonghyun switched gears again to evade any kind of topics he simply did not want to talk about.

Like earlier on, in regards to why he’s feeling upset and withdrawn.

The older male merely nodded, pulling his hand away as he leaned back against the chair. Jonghyun curled his fingers into a light fist, trying not to think about the disappeared weight on them mere moments ago. The back of his hand had a lingering warmth, and it had gone away equally fast. He retracted his hands too, putting them on his lap under the table, hidden from view.

Today’s Aron was casual; business-like pomade replaced by a natural, boyish hair that fall smoothly to his brows and yet a clean cut showing off his ears neatly. A hoodie - one that he was starting to see more often than not in its loud black, white and red colors, but a good cozy outfit with expensive-looking material. He looked several years younger than he was like that, a playful smile hanging on his lips. Aron looked like the sought-after college boyfriend with his great looks and smarts, but more importantly, his childlike, fun-loving qualities woven with his matured, collected side as a senior account manager of a financial consultancy firm.

It made absolute sense for someone like Aron to do client servicing to big labels. He had the sort of charm that had you easing out your tensions with a simple laugh or empathetic nod of his head. The kind that had you doing a double take even if you just walk past him on the streets. It wasn’t cold, unattainable, royalty-like aura. It was that of a kind, understanding sunbae, the sort you knew you could depend on when things had gone wrong in all ways possible. 

There’s just something about Aron that makes it so easy to trust. 

“Right, look what I found in my neighbourhood mart,” Aron commented, excitedly taking out a device from his bag. There were two of them, one yellow and one in blue, rectangular, plastic blocks that immediately piqued Jonghyun’s interests.

“Tetris machine?” he asked with a hint of marvel, accepting the devices with both hands carefully, eyes widened as excitement bubbled within him. 

“Yeah! You were just talking about them the other day and bam! Our neighborhood aunt just happened to be selling them. They’re exactly how I remembered it - my mom used to have these at home too, in L.A. It’s the same thing here, right? Surprised to even find it hanging by the spices shelf,” he grinned, feeling a little proud of his find, like a five-year-old puffing his chest out in adult-like proclamation before standing up, “I’m going to grab a coffee first. Iced Americano for you? Anything else? No? Alright, be right back.”

He held the machine in his hands so carefully, like he was handling a delicate item instead of a plastic device. He hadn’t played it in ages, but Tetris was a game of his childhood that he would often snag from his parent’s store whenever new stock comes in. Jonghyun vaguely remembered his father’s scolding as he ran away, two, three devices in hand to share with his group of friends. They were the start of his programming journey nearly two decades later, as the first code he wrote was a variation of Tetris, just for fun. 

But this was the very first time he’s been gifted with one. Jonghyun stared at the items, at the stark yellow and blue, eventually settling for the yellow one as he pushed the other towards Aron’s seat. The machine came to life with the press of a button, and he couldn’t help but quirk a grin at the familiar sounds greeting him, music and all as the blocks fell from the top.

Jonghyun cast a quick glance at Aron from his seat, noting the male as he gesticulated to the cakes in the display fridge, among other things. Animated, so full of laughter and smiles as the staffer’s own giggles could be heard in the quiet, empty cafe. 

He’s only ever mentioned the Tetris story once, when they were both bored and texting each other late at night. It was one of those days again, where Minhyun would disappear. Jonghyun knew better than to stay up for him, but sleep doesn’t come easily. Not when he spent a good amount of time getting used to a human body next to him, cuddling into someone’s chest securely to fall asleep. Now, learning to get used to being alone was gnawing at him in a slow, painful manner.

Habits die hard. Minhyun would pull him securely into his arms, making him turn to bury his face into Minhyun’s chest. Minhyun who used to run his fingers through his hair and a hand up and down his waist, coaxing him to bed. That Minhyun was gone, and now he craved for the human touch, something as light as holding his hands on cold winter nights, was a luxurious dream.

So he spent his nights texting this newfound friend. Aron was knowledgeable as he was a fellow with too much quick wits. But more importantly, he too felt lonely in a large apartment. Aron once said that he adopted Noah because the house was too quiet. Without Noah’s constant snoring or quick padding around the house, it was difficult to curl up and call asleep.

A story that hit close to his heart. 

Needless to say, they start it off pretty well thereafter. Jonghyun would send a random text at nightfall, while Aron would respond with a meme or sticker in greeting. The conversations flowed out like water gushing out of an open tap. First was the texts, then came audio messages. They shared snippets of their days, complaints of workload and stress, commenting on the most random things they read on the news or saw on the go. 

Slowly, eventually, Jonghyun found himself opening up once more. 

Drip by drip, he found his empty heart being filled again, but Jonghyun knew they could be nothing more than a new friendship. He was bordering on thin thread, and it’s a fine line that his morals adhere to.

He stared at the teris device in his hand, then at the male once again. For a split second, Jonghyun wondered how it would have been like if he knew Aron a little earlier. Perhaps he wouldn’t be in this dilemma, because he wouldn’t have found someone else to rely on, to look forward to every day to hearing their voice. 

And more than ever, he couldn’t walk away from Minhyun. The boy who grew up alongside him, the boy who had seen his worst days, the boy who everyone said would walk with him to the end. Jonghyun knew that they had loved - they were once happy at the tiniest thing. Having gone through graduation together, having moved into a new place together, having backpacked to a new city together. They had nothing, and thus, they had everything. Months and years of hearing each other’s voice, laughter; feeling the warmth of their fingertips to the softness of their lips. Jonghyun’s life was molded into Minhyun’s, and they’re both one and all the same. 

His life had been mostly filled with Minhyun’s shadow. How could he leave, how could Minhyun leave? They were bound together like the sun was to the moon, and they circled around each other from the habitual pull and bonds of pure memory. Even if it pained him to know that Minhyun wasn’t looking at him the same way, he pretended that everything was alright, that they were just having more bad days than usual.

For they too, still had good days. When Minhyun completed a new project and woke up early to buy breakfast. When they finally had time together, heading out for a nice walk to the bookstore and seek quiet solace in cafes. It’s times like those that reminded him of how they never changed and how they’ve become to be. 

A few good days, to deter the many bad days.

The tray was set on the table carefully, as Aron removed the cake, sandwiches and drink from it, packing their small, shared table to the brim. 

“You sure eat a lot, hyung,” Jonghyun laughed, taking the cutlery from Aron’s outstretched hand as he excitedly slipped into the seat. The excitement removed a few more years from his mature outlook, adding a hint of soft and adorable edge to the otherwise sharp features. It reminded him of Noah, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Got some to share,” Aron said, picking up one quater of the sandwich as he artfully removed the sliced tomato within, putting it forth towards Jonghyun’s side. The engineer widened his eyes at the gesture, slightly surprised. The look made Aron pause after he took a large bite, as if wondering if he did something wrong. “You don’t eat tomatoes, right?” he asked, chewing slowly. 

“How did you know?”

“Oh, I saw you pushing the tomatoes away from Mingi’s salad the other day. Is it an allergy?”

“Ah…” Jonghyun blinked, letting out a chuckle. “No, it’s not. It’s more like a childhood trauma, though. My sister made me drink so much tomato juice when I was younger, and now when I see them, I can almost imagine that taste. Yuck!”

Aron laughed when he made a face, but Jonghyun laughed too, accepting the sandwich. 

He’s used to being the observant one, but it felt nice that people notice little things about you. It meant that they cared enough, friend or not. His eyes softened, ignoring the way his heart was beating, the way he could feel his cheeks heating up slightly. The male ignored it by turning on the tetris to give it a whirr.

( But bit by bit, he knew, he was already falling for him. )

“Ah...this is the sound!” he exclaimed as the device turned on, the familiar sounds of blocks falling and disappearing ringing in his ear. Aron nodded away, wiping his lips with a piece of serviette, sharing that excitement.

“I know, right? That’s the sound of my childhood,” he grinned, then paused. There’s a little hesitant that Jonghyun hadn’t noticed, before the elder continued. “Say, shall we play a game? The one with a higher score gets to decide where to go after this. What do you think?”

“Oh?” Jonghyun arched his brows in a challenge as Aron wriggled them, successfully drawing another laugh. Either way, Jonghyun wasn’t someone who backed down without a fight, and Aron seemed like a person who could give him a challenge. He nodded, tilting his head towards the spare device, a silent way of asking Aron to pick up his weapon. 

( Even if he lost, Jonghyun supposed that he’s already ready to follow Aron’s steps. )

“...The ice-skating rink? I thought you said you don’t know how to skate!” Jonghyun stared in disbelief at the crowded arena, then cast a look to the person beside him. Aron’s spirits remained high, hand pressing on the railing of the rink as he tipped his toes. The more he knew him, the more he realised that Aron was a child. There’s no trace of adulting in the way his eyes glinted with glee when he won a game, and how he clapped his hand and made those little high-pitch weird noises after saying a bad pun. 

Aron didn’t answer Jonghyun directly, looking around for the ticket booth with a light hum that Jonghyun could only surrender with a shake of his head. “Well, we don’t need to know how to skate to enjoy ice-skating. It’s always fun to try something new, no? There’s no point in doing something over and over again. Routines are great, of course - they’re like a sign of discipline. Admirable. But hey, we all need a little change of pace. To fall down and fail a little, you know? Today’s one of those days. It’s rare that we’re out, might as well make the best use out of it and have a different kind of fun.” 

Despite the silly smile, Jonghyun could feel the gaze soften when he turned, a look that made him hold his breath for a prolonged second. He didn’t have time to think about his feelings, not when Aron grabbed his wrist in the next, tugging him along. “Let’s go, the line’s getting longer!”

He didn’t let go even when they were at the queue, his wrist feeling the light grasp of the curled fingers. 

Jonghyun supposed, he didn’t quite mind it at all.

* * *

Soft moans and the smell of sex. Dongho heaved, arms wrapped around Minhyun’s waist as he rested on top of him, both trying to catch their breath. He pushed himself up after a while, eyes looking at the beauty resting on the couch, taking an extra second to admire the reddening marks on pale skin. These were the only inklings of their relationship, destined to be hidden away from the public eye. A rough hand combed the tousled hair back as gently as he could, locking eyes with his love. 

In the slow blinks and dimmed lights, Minhyun looked alluring, but it’s something he already knew. From the first day he stepped into the studios, a nervous smile on his face as Bumzu hyung introduced them, Dongho knew that he would eventually lose his heart to the boys with fox-like features and a giddy laugh.

He confirmed his thoughts when Minhyun sang, beautiful voice ringing making his heart waver. 

Dongho had been writing songs since he was in university, taking up a major in sports science before transferring to the opposite end of the spectrum, in music production. He set aside his Kendo sword, turning his passion towards midi programs and a piano in a thick layer of dust. After an old injury broke his heart, Dongho didn’t think there’s anything else that could come close to it. The feeling of losing something that you’ve worked hard over the years, to see a flower wilther before the full bloom, and he the poor gardener who reaped none of the years of weathering. 

That was, until he met Minhyun.

Minhyun was the only person to recognize the pain hidden in musical notes, the one to vocalise the empty melody lay hidden in the closet. Working with Bumzu, and the other friends were great, but working with Minhyun was effortless. He filled in the lyrics to his songs, like how an author filled up the pages of a bound book. 

There wasn’t a straightforward way in which they work. Minhyun in his neatness, dating each entry of his work with a beginning date and an end, writing lyrics based on his own stories and what he sees, as with what he hears from Dongho’s archive. Dongho was messy, jumping from song to song, working his way through what inspired him at the moment. A little clumsy, too, and Minhyun often complained about the way he keeps his songs that he had a hard time pulling out the ones he wanted to work on, and the ones he’s done. They mix and match, putting creations after creations.

They sold one song, and another, and now, their name was a respectable rising studio, comprising mostly of the two of them with Bumzu supervising at the end. 

This small, small studio, became Dongho’s heaven.

( Or was Minhyun his heaven? )

Dongho didn’t dare to ask for too much; he and Minhyun were destined for a heartbreak - his own heartbreak. From the first day, Dongho knew that Minhyun was attached. It made perfect sense for someone so attractive. As the days rolled by and he watched Minhyun went from his polite and formal seating to eventually being comfortable enough to lay on the floor with a pile of lyric sheets around him, he came to learn more about the male beyond his striking good looks. 

His high school stories and reading hobby, spending a large amount of time amassing a whole bookshelf of Japanese literature and Korean poems. His favourite drink and favourite cafe, even though all grapefruit ades tasted the same to him, Minhyun always insisted that they’re different. The amount of time he spent back in school, playing mischievous tricks with a boy who became his lover. 

Jonghyun came by the studios a few times, too. A quiet boy with handsome features hidden under his cap and oversized hoodie. He recognized the way he looked at Minhyun, the sort full of unspoken words of love and promises with a charming smile. The first time he spotted Minhyun giving Jonghyun a quick kiss, thinking they were hidden from view as Dongho quickly turned away, he felt his heart cracked. It was a dull sort of ache that had him immobilized for a few seconds, enough for him to take a deep breath.

And when the lyrics too, tell of Minhyun’s own promise to him, it started to hurt a lot more. Each time they spell a beautiful love story dancing on light-hearted notes, Dongho forced a smile to match his melodies, as cracks extended bit by bit. Like veins, it wrapped around his heart, constricting it when it beats, rendering him breathless, yet holding it together before it could shatter and disintegrate.

Even when Minhyun was moaning under him, Dongho wondered if he was but a mere shadow in this love game where he already lost all the chips to the dealer by the name of Hwang Minhyun. In the short hour, Minhyun was his, calling his name, holding his hand, welcoming his kisses. But beyond that, they were nothing, their relationship kept a mere dirty secret within the four walls, his heaven and his hell.

“I’m going to shower,” Minhyun hummed, pulling the blankets around him as he sat up, eyes blinking lazily. Dongho pulled on a simple tee, turning around. He bought the blankets after Minhyun started sleeping over on late nights, because that was the best time for him to work on compositions, and he doesn’t want to ‘ditch him alone at 3am’. Eventually, the blankets were not just an object for warmth in the faulty air-conditioning with freezing air, but a blanket of shame to hide their affair on unspeakable nights. He smiled, teeth showing as he carefully flattened the stray strands of hair. 

Minhyun yawned, letting Dongho do the work. With blankets covering parts of his body and yet, exposing his fair skin in others, there’s a form of sexiness that one doesn’t often see in his button-ups and sweaters. Then, he stood up, opening the small window high above, letting in some natural air. The night air is chilly, making him shudder. Minhyun chuckled, pulling him down, throwing the blanket over the both of them as he leaned against his chest.

The songmaker stilled, slowly wrapping his arm around his shoulders. “I thought you’re heading to the showers?” He teased, but his voice was gentle. 

“In a bit,” Minhyun murmured, pressing close. 

Minhyun had been doing this more often than not. While he used to shy away back to the apartments after their little escapades, he lingered around more often now, usually just staying the night so that he could get breakfast with him. They spent more time cuddling and just holding each other, letting Minhyun draw silent words on his chest as he narrated the happenings in his day. 

They’re less of his old memories, more of what’s going on - the news he read recently, the fight he witnessed when queueing up at the neighborhood mart, the time he went home twice because he forgot both his wallet and his keycard. They’re little episodes, boring to some, but to Dongho it felt like a firm foot forward. Instead of learning about his past, Dongho was walking with him in the present time. 

He even heard less of Jonghyun’s name with each passing day.

Dongho never pried about Minhyun’s private life beyond the ones that he shared, for he never wanted to face the reality of a broken heart. But even then, he couldn’t help but wonder for the slightest moment if Minhyun had any chance of falling in love with him.

( The illusion of love is a dangerous bet, but Dongho had nothing else to lose, does he? )

When Minhyun finally slipped away to the showers, another yawn heard along the way, Dongho laughed and turned his weary eyes towards the lyric book. Like how he had an archive of old tunes, Minhyun wrote his lyrics on a notebook with a pencil, so he could erase and rephrase as and when he liked. The book had tiny post-its sticking from the side, like a student’s workbook more than a professional lyricist’s handiwork, but it’s these little stickies that helped him reach for the kind of works Minhyun had penned.

They had color codes too, blue to match with the sad melancholy blues, and red for the rave of the night, for example. He hummed, pulling at the yellow one for a change of pace, only to detached the whole post-it before he could turn to the page. “Crap,” he said, casting a quick look to the studio door and then started flipping through, trying to find - recap - which page it belonged to. Better than receiving a stink eye from Minhyun’s unamused look ( which was equally adorable in Dongho’s eyes ).

Except that instead of the work, he stopped at one of the more recent pieces, dotted in pen. It looked different from the others, but held the same format with completed dates upon them. Just two months ago, the producer arched his brows, fingers gliding across the paper to feel the texture of the dip with the force of the pen. There are little words that are crossed out and re-written, a little more messy compared to his tidy nature.

He read, and then, he pushed it away from him. 

( Like how Minhyun reads his melody, Dongho always understood his lyrics. And these, were written for the one and only. )

“Dongho-yah, your turn! I’m going down to grab supper, want anything?” 

He closed the book in his panic, a sense of guilt rising from reading something he knew he shouldn’t have. Happy lines felt more like a penned letter of apology, the force imprinted coming from a drunk man’s hand. He swallowed, muttering an excuse of some sort while the front door of the studio apartment bang, suggesting Minhyun’s departure to the convenient store.

The male cast his gaze to the book again, and flipped it open. While the pages scratched against each other, all he could hear was the crack of his heart once again. 

( This time, he realised, one could still feel sheering pain even if he already lost his heart. )

* * *

_It’s not working out._

Jonghyun pushed away his keyboard, curling up on the tabletop as he let out a frustrated groan. Setting up his own studio was not an easy task, and every wall he had to climb was higher and higher. It’s never ending, and not that yet another freelancer had called it quits, Jonghyun has had enough. 

Dreams are difficult to achieve, but when you’ve already lost one dream, it becomes even harder to accept that idea that he might lose another.

He cracked one eye open, looking at the empty house. It’s one of those days where the night seemed to drag on endlessly. The apartment echoed his sentiments in its darkness, his room being the only place illuminated by a desk lamp. He wanted to call his name, in hopes of having a shoulder to lean on, but the air is cold, and him, all alone. His heart wrenched at the thought of Minhyun being away, seeking his own solace in another person’s arms, especially in times like this when he felt like he needed him. Someone.

**Anyone.**

Patting the desk in a blind move to find his phone, Jonghyun flipped to the phone register, fingers hovering at the call button. The first name that came to mind was Aron. Yet he hesitated. Eyes stared at the few names on his phone book, he scrolled downwards till he reached Minhyun’s name, fingers hovering over the button as he stalled.

When was the last time he even called him? 

He couldn’t remember.

Nonetheless he pressed down on the dial button. Jonghyun doesn't know what he’s hoping for as he listened to the dreaded droon on the other end, and then his voice came through the receiver. 

“Minh-” He jolted upright, breath hitching before his voice got stuck in his throat. 

“This is Minhyun. Unfortunately, I’m currently occupied with something. Please leave me a message after…”

Jonghyun lowered his phone, laughing. Not at anyone, but at himself, and his own naivety. What was he thinking that Minhyun would answer his phone? Even before at work, the male often left missed calls and voice messages because work occupied his mind, so much so that the mobile was left on silent and tossed to one side. Yet he had hoped for a single second that perhaps, Minhyun would be on the phone this time. 

That Minhyun would somehow know that he needed him.

But they were only human. How could Jonghyun expect this much out of him? A long, tired sigh exhaled from his mouth, he felt wetness coming to his eyes. Was being in love supposed to be so lonely? When they first moved in, Jonghyun held high hopes and left his promises sealed with a kiss, as ridiculous as it would sound for two college graduates. It was a childish thing, but Jonghyun upheld the promise for as long as he would.

Without wood or spirit, even the toughest fireplace would die out, what not of something so intangible as love?

With shaking fingers, he dialed the next number he knew. To realise that it was neither Minhyun nor Mingi that came to mind suggested that too many things had changed, even in his own sphere of things. The logical side of him was telling him to stop, to remember that he’s someone in a long, stable relationship. To remind himself of his own loyalty pledged to the boy he knew since they were children.

But he needed someone to hold him tonight, to lend him a listening ear. 

Tonight, he just needed company. 

“Oh, Jonghyun-ah. What’s up?” And when Aron’s familiar voice came through, Jonghyun felt the first tear fall, his heart throbbing with pain. The one person that should be here was long gone, and it took this much for him to understand that. To think he held a sense of hope just hearing his recorded voice earlier on, the voice that held no ounce of warmth that everyone around them seemed to give high regards of. It’s cold, formal, distant, and yet, Jonghyun had thoughts of holding onto it till the very end. 

But it’s hard, it’s too hard.

“...hyung?” he whispered, closing his eyes as he slowly sprawled on the tabletop. Tonight, Aron’s voice continued to soothe his hurting heart, like his gentle hands when they hold Jonghyun’s own at the skating rink, skin cool but the touch, burning. His voice was small, like a flame holding up to the torrents of rain as it seeked shelter under a leaf. 

Most people had thought of Jonghyun as independent and dependable, the charismatic boy who never said that things got tough. He’s the child with a playful streak but serious when it came to work, the hard worker who believed that you reap the fruits of your efforts’ sow. But beneath the tough skin was also a boy who wished to have someone to rest against on snowy days, a warm hug to lull him to sleep in the middle of a lonely night.

Jonghyun can be tough, and strict as he was told, but who doesn’t want to be pampered, to be loved? And in the last few weeks, it was Aron who gave him a sense of comfort, a bit of distraction from his many problems as with a listening ear to his complaints over a cup of coffee. 

Since that day, they’ve been meeting more and more often. Late night talks to video calls where they’ll say nothing but work alongside each other, letting the taps of keyboard take over human conversations. Occasionally he’d hear a bark, with Noah and Kkotsooni disturbing the peace and Aron’s coo in attempt to make his dogs settle down. They went out whenever Aron was free enough, chatting away at the cafe or just heading out to do something. Taking a hike up his neighborhood hills, having supper with two bottle of soju laughing about a silly joke, going for quiet walks with Noah and Kkotsooni under the warm glow of the setting sun at Hangang.

These were all little dates, no matter how much Jonghyun wanted to lie to himself. But Aron too, never made it clear what their relationship was, seemingly content with what they have without a label. 

Jonghyun would have been fine with the arrangement; he was always fine without having an official label between him and Minhyun, because he thought it was self-explanatory. He’s not an easy man who kisses a stranger with no reservations, and for all the intimacy between them, Jonghyun knew they were lovers, and that was enough. Minhyun, on the other hand, liked things to be clear: that they were a couple, having confessed their feelings for each other. Jonghyun didn’t mind it, because they were happily in love, young and innocently in love.

But now? Their relationship was a meddled mess, murkier than a swamp after a storm. Jonghyun couldn’t even put a name to the endless nights of cold shoulder besides a thinning thread of ‘lovers’, a label that had long faded. Like a sticker, where the ink had disappeared from trace with time, but the gooey glue stuck on like a plague, refusing to leave, poisoning what’s left. 

“Jonghyun? Are you alright?” 

The game developer hummed, muffling his voice as he buried into the nook of his bent elbow. He was taking advantage of Aron’s kindness and affections for him, and he was no different from the lover that he had loved, and hated, and had his heart broken. But after dark days and muted nights, how can he let go of someone who shone a light onto his way? Aron was the sun to his cold palace that he locked himself in, and like a drowning person who finally had his hands on a lifeline, he clinged onto it and savored it. 

Albeit, being sorry for it.

He just doesn't know who he was sorry to - Aron, who gave him so much even if he had nothing to return, or to Minhyun, who he had slowly fallen out of love with. 

“Jonghyun?”

The voice on the other end repeated his name, and Jonghyun took a deep breath. 

He had to leave this place, just for a night. Because home is no longer a home without the person who made it. Furthermore, Minhyun is no longer his home, either.

Aron would know. He would understand this language of loneliness, a code he too uttered in the quiet sighs when he recounted on his hometown back in Los Angeles. Jonghyun would curl up in his bed, phone on loudspeaker as Aron ahread his old memories - his parents who did their best to provide them three siblings with the best education. The family of five with one lovely dog was the happy, average American-Korean family, but Jonghyun could hear love filled in every story.

That’s probably why Aron was also someone with a lot of love to give. To Noah and Kkotsooni, the two dogs he adopted, he gifted patience and nurturing. To his friends, like Mingi, he shared his wits amid teases and wriggling brows, but stepped up as the dependable advisor on thoughts should he needed. Compassion, to his coworkers and subordinates, taking on the work within his best means. To Jonghyun, it was his sincerity. He need not speak of love, or cheesy lines ( even if Aron was the walking encyclopedia of dad jokes ), but he charmed with the amount of care in tiny details. 

Aron said he’s not a romantic person, which was why he got ditched by his previous lovers, especially that one time when he gifted her cans of red bull for Valentines Day. Jonghyun had laughed, stating that he had never needed bouquets and candlelight dinners, but the cans of red bull sounds fantastic to power through the night.

Little hints slipping in between their night time conversations, telling of each other’s deepest emotions without spelling it out in full. They danced around such topics of the heart time and time again, like two men in a tango, artful steps that threaded along the other’s toes. Perhaps it’s time to stop the dance. 

Perhaps, it’s time to make things clearer. He took a deep breath, resolute in his decision as he took the courage to utter the next sentence. On the other end, he could hear Aron waiting, quiet even breaths sounding through the receiver.

“Hyung...can I come over tonight?”

And that's how he found himself under Aron’s apartment. He knew the address well enough by now, after meeting up at the spot so that they could go for a little walk with Noah. The pup had long taken a liking to him since their first few meetings at the pet shop, but now, he’s pretty much stuck by Jonghyun’s side whenever they meet. Sometimes he wondered if it’s because he reeks of loneliness, and Noah noticed that, following it’s scent to rest its head on his lap. 

_Like pet, like owner._

He looked upwards, steps still hesitating as he lingered outside. The wind blew harshly, forcing Jonghyun to pull the hood over his head, hands firmly tucking into the pockets of his coat. The coat was one rare purchase that he made himself without needing the help of either Minhyun or Mingi. Tonight, it felt only right to wear something that doesn’t belong to his lover.

He paced around again. For the amount of time they met, Jonghyun had never been to Aron’s apartment. 

The reason was simple. Jonghyun couldn’t afford to hand over his heart. With the inability to make any new promises, the easiest way out was to keep a safe enough distance. Aron was a good person, and Jonghyun knew that he wouldn’t force his way even if he went, but walking into another man’s home - a man who had obvious interest in him - further enforced the guilt inside him. He couldn’t do it, even if his heart had wavered and his eyes were now following the trail of Aron’s shadow. 

Instead, they had their times outside in smaller, private spaces. While Aron brought him into his world of being back with the nature and simple pleasures of appreciating the evening winds grazing upon long grass, Jonghyun brought him into his world of 2D pleasures and game dimensions. It was hard to imagine that there was someone so receptive towards his hobbies and passion, when Minhyun couldn’t. 

Minhyun showed his sense of understanding and compassion, he never teased Jonghyun beyond the line of discomfort when he started sharing his latest manga craze, reading his own books alongside him instead.

Aron was on the other end. His open mindedness followed by his eagerness to try new things made him a great companion. Aron would follow along to Jonghyun’s ranking of top manga books, encouraging smiles with nods following the rhythm of his animated gesticulation when he narrated his favourite parts. And then he would just take the book from the pile, shifting till he found a perfect spot to rest on top of Jonghyun’s folded legs, and read. 

That would have been enough, but two days later Aron would bring it up in the middle of their conversations, commenting on his favourite character, if any, or how he didn’t like this series compared to another. And as excited and occasionally agitated as he debated with Jonghyun, it was the sincerity that touched his heart, unlocking the chest he’s kept hidden for a long time. 

Surprises, after surprises.

Back then, he rejected his invitation. Now, he’s inviting himself in. Another deep breath, and he raised his hand to press the doorbell.

The door opened quickly, and there he stood, face cleanly shaven but with hints of his facial hair. As expected he had his hair down, and beyond boyish charms, Aron with his large framed glasses looked a little silly, but the glasses didn't mask the handsome but worried look on his face. 

Jonghyun stepped in, lips parted as he prepared to throw down all his frustrations, as he’s done before in little pockets of time spent with Aron. When the phone calls reached on leisure hours, or when he received yet another declination in his mailbox, Jonghyun would share the little bite-sized stories. Each snippet was traded in with an ounce of laughter or advice, a worthy deal on his end.

But this time, he held it back. Aron seemed to be waiting as he stood in front. Just as the door closed, sealing the space into their own private arena, Jonghyun stepped forward in a few small jogs, then wrapped his arms over the shorter boy. Aron catches him effortlessly, not moving or speaking. 

This moment doesn’t need any words. 

The male merely held the other boy in his arms tightly, swaying side to side. Here, Jonghyun felt pampered, like a spoiled child who was given affections and care, clutching back onto Aron, not wanting to let go. He was taller by a mere inch or two, but Aron’s arms were wide, and he felt like he fit perfectly into them, chin on his shoulder as they stayed like this.

In the safe zone, Jonghyun wanted to tell him everything. About the mishaps at work, about wanting to give up on his dream, and the messy tangle of his own relationship, and his feelings. But these were irrational and impulsive, the kind of words that would only cut. Tonight, he wasn’t out for anyone’s blood; because he too needed to heal, mind, body and soul long wounded from the years of holding everything in on his own. 

( Besides Minhyun and his family, Aron was probably the only one other person that Jonghyun would never want to hurt. )

Lips pursing into a thin line to brace his thoughts, he slowly let go, hands sliding down to grip onto the hem of his sleeves. All these while, he kept his distance. They could lean their backs against each other and rest heads on the knees and shoulders, but they never held hands. They would gaze into each other’s eyes, letting silence fill in the blanks of words they wanted to hear but never dared to speak. They’ve never hugged until now, had never kissed. 

Fingers shifted from the fabric, finding Aron’s own as he intertwined them for the first time. His hands were cold; the last time Aron grabbed his wrist, Jonghyun had thought the cold was an illusion from the freezing arena, but he’s proven wrong. Yet, while he sought warmth, the cool touch sent a tingle of shiver down his spine, calming down the oceans that threatened to overwhelm his mind. He looked up, looking at his own reflection in Aron’s orbs at this close proximity. Jonghyun licked his lips, swallowing.

“Hyung.”

“Mm. You feel better now?”

A nod, lips tugging into a nervous smile as he pushed the center of his knotted brows with his fingers, trying to loosen the tension on his face. Aron scrunched his nose, head tilting back from the force, before pulling Jonghyun’s hand into his own. He didn’t mind the close skinship that came so suddenly.

“Hyung.”

“Uh.”

He leaned in, feeling their breaths mingle. Aron didn’t shy away, and his eyes remained soft, attentive. As he inhaled his scent - the smell of peppermint - Jonghyun could feel the pain of his heart melting away, bit by bit. He closed his eyes, sinking into the warm hug, pressing their bodies close as he whispered his quiet plea.

_“Can you please hold me tonight?”_

There were quite a few moments where they were in an intimate position. The time at the comic store was one, where Aron certainly made a comfortable place from Jonghyun’s lap. In another, the duo stood in front of the wall-sized aquarium, side by side that their elbows would have touched if they were to move a tiny bit. Their hands rested freely, palms facing inwards as they commented on fishes idly. Just a little bit, and their fingers would have grazed against each other.

Only Aron would know how many times he wanted to reach out to hold his hand, and how many times he had spent looking at the side profile of his face; the angular jaw and crystal clear eyes, always looking ahead at something else, someone else. Aron was happy enough just standing beside him, watching the glow glinting in Jonghyun’s eyes whenever he speaks. 

Jonghyun was like a candlelight of warmth in the cold streets of Seoul. When he decided to move to Seoul for two years for the overseas assignment, Aron had prepared himself for a short-term stay in this foreign land. It wasn’t as much of a conversational barrier - even though speaking to ahjumma at super markets were still a difficulty with their accents - but home was a different thing. 

Back in L.A., he had his large family and friends he knew his entire life. A job that paid him well, even if it wasn’t exactly his dream job. He had surrounded himself with people that he loved and loved him, and this Seoul extension was a mere challenge for himself. In Seoul, no one really knew him. The branch office was kind in welcoming him, but the social and cultural norms were largely different. Drinking after work was more of a chore than a close friends’ gathering; going home to an empty apartment with no one to call upon reminded him that he’s all alone. 

For the first time, Aron realised what loneliness could feel like. So he got Noah, a pup to accompany him. He’s a naughty, hyperactive dog, but the noise of his paws tapping upon the wooden floors and barking filling the air was a nice change to the echoing silence. It wasn’t enough, so he found his way to the pet shelter again. This time, he brought home Kkotsooni, a quieter and more mature dog of the same breed. Aron loved them both as if they were his own, Noah’s madness matched with Kkotsoonit’s docile nature formed a formidable pair.

( It wasn’t the same as human contact, but it helped. And they were his only family here. )

Besides, they led to him.

They first met when Noah ran off from his lap in the pet hotel, only to jump into another person’s arms. He had panicked, chiding the playful pup till it whined softly, before Jonghyun’s laughter broke the small tension in the air. A black cap kept his hair up, revealing part of his forehead and brows, and eyes that glint with amusement. As he returned Noah back into his arms again, Aron had apologized again, and then asked for his name. 

“It’s Jonghyun, Kim Jonghyun. Your dog’s name is “Noah”, right? Are you not from around here?”

They met a few more times then, mostly at the pet hotel, as well as the cafe that Mingi worked at. Numbers were exchanged, texts replied till late at night. Before long, Aron realised he’s filling up the blocks of time on his empty schedule with Jonghyun. 

They would spend time at various cafes before Aron would drag him out to see the different parts of Seoul. The ice-skating rink was the first of many, then there was the aquarium, the PC room, the weird wine-and-painting lessons that were more of a disaster for their teacher, and more. Aron held an explorer’s soul, always out and about to try something new. At least, that’s what he’s always wanted to do. Growing up, he’s set out on several adventures, on road trips, on self-drives, traveling the world, volunteering his time. But when work started, he lost track of such little pleasures in life. 

With Jonghyun, he’s picking it all up again. He felt free, finding the inner child that resides in him once more. The side of him that has hidden away in light of adulting responsibilities and heartbreak, finding the space to spread his wings once more. 

It is here that Aron realised, you don’t need to surround yourself with many people to feel less alone and alive. 

You just need that one right person. 

( He didn’t dare to call him his home away from home yet, because the feelings are coming too fast, too soon for him. Even if his heart always fluttered when Jonghyun turned up on their outings, waving to him from away. Even if he knew he deeply, deeply like - _love_ \- this man with a beautiful smile, Aron just wanted to take things on a slower pace. )

“Hnn…” 

Hoodie pushed up to reveal his chest, button of his jeans undone, Aron kneeled in between his legs, running hand along the gorgeous tanned skin as he leaned forward. He could see the slightest flush of his cheeks that made his skin seem to glow even more, and Aron couldn’t help but kiss his jaw, trailing downwards past his neck. His thumb rubbed against erected nipples as he grazed his teeth on his chest. 

Jonghyun covered his mouth with his arm to stop the embarrassing moans, but his body shivered from delight at the cool touch. Fingers gripped onto the navy bed sheets, crumpling them into his fist as he raised his hips, making it easier for Aron to remove his pants. It’s a lie to say that he wasn’t a little bit enthrilled; it’s been a few months since he last had sex. Even if he shared the same bed with Minhyun, he couldn’t even remember the last time they kissed, not to mention anything more. 

At least, not since that morning. 

Beyond the desire for a comforting ear, was the craving of a human touch. Jonghyun wasn’t a saint; he too, wanted the eyes of a lover on him, to capture their full attention and be held in their arms. He gripped the hem of Aron’s tee, tugging upwards with some impatience till Aron removed it in one go. The elder male always had a more petite frame compared to Minhyun, but while he was lean, his muscles were firm and rippled.

He didn’t know what he was expecting; for the most part, Aron always seemed to be wearing a hoodie or a sweater, even if the months were starting to get warm. At work, he’s always wearing a suit and a crisp shirt, while well-fitted, could hardly match the sight in front of him. 

The younger male ran his palm down the lean tummy, slipping into the gym pants. Aron's cock was rock-hard and pulsing, and Aron didn’t hide his pleasure, thrusting slowly into his hand without an ounce of shame. Jonghyun chuckled between his labored breath, propping himself up with one elbow. “Someone’s excited,” he teased, before his back hit the bed once more as Aron pressed his weight on top of him. At close proximity, he could feel their breath mingling. 

“Mmm. You don’t know how many nights I spent thinking about this,” he whispered in response. The words’ connotation made Jonghyun shy all of the sudden, turning his gaze away with a soft cough. Yet, his hand continued to pump the length; the words, together with the way Aron’s fingers were dancing on his skin made his tummy clenched in anticipation, and he welcomed the elder’s lips as they kissed.

Aron’s kisses weren’t like Minhyuns; they were gentle yet firm, restrained, in control. It’s so weirdly characteristic of him, a man who seemed to know what he wanted, a man who was not afraid of showing that. Throughout the months of courtship, Aron had made it known that he’s interested in him. And it’s hard not to feel his heart flutter every time he gives him little gifts that captured his interests so well, remembering what he liked and what he doesn’t. 

Jonghyun thought it was just the idea of having his ego stroked that made him happy. After all, who doesn’t want to feel like they are sought after? But he had his own rules to adhere to, and there are lines that must not be crossed. 

So he met Aron as a friend, and the other had respected that friendship. Jonghyun thought it would be enough, but he couldn’t control the way his heart felt. With passing time, even the coldest heart would melt once again. Soon, he found himself waiting for Aron’s text every other day, re-reading old ones as he lay with his stomach on the bed, hugging a pillow with a silly smile. 

When they stood close to each other, he could feel his heart race. There were times when they were so close that Jonghyun would feel his heart suggesting things way beyond the line. The urge to hold his hand, the urge to wrap his arms around him, the urge to rest his head on his shoulders, and the urge to kiss him. Jonghyun disperse those thoughts with a shake of his head, pretending that he didn’t see the way Aron looked at him with adoration. 

But each time Aron smiled, Jonghyun just fell deeper and deeper down the slippery slope.

It was almost inevitable that he’d fall for him. Bit by bit, day by day, Aron squeezed into his empty heart, filling it with his presence and bad jokes and utmost care and concern. 

They had never held hands, never spent the night together, never kissed. Today, Jonghyun was breaking all of his own rules. 

Aron broke away from the kiss much to Jonghyun’s mild dismay, reaching out to the nightstand drawer, digging for something. “...Mint-flavored condom?” he arched one brow in disbelief, laughing softly as he pushed himself up to a seated position. Aron shrugged, chuckling as he dropped it on the bed along with his bottle of lube. Jonghyun reached for it, reading the packaging with much amusement; he’s seen them on sale, but they weren’t the kind of thing that he reached for. He’s more traditional, he supposed. Saw no need to change anything that doesn’t need to be changed. 

Well, he’d be changing that idea. 

“Yeah, they said it tasted decent. At least, among the flavored ones.”

The male took the condom back, bringing the packaging to his teeth as he ripped it open in one swift moment, before rolling it onto his erection. Jonghyun’s eyes followed the motion, then reached out to hold his hands, stopping him. 

“Let me do it,” he said, sliding down so that he was face to face with the hard-on. Jonghyun swallowed, lips hovering just above the bulbous tip before he took it into his mouth, using lips and tongue to unfurl the condom. It did taste like mint, a scent one wouldn’t expect from artificial manufacturing, but somehow it fitted Aron. A little spicy, but refreshing, cool. He groaned when his dick hit the back of his throat, corners of his lips curling upwards ever so slightly when Aron moaned. 

From his position, Jonghyun looked up, bright eyes clouded with desire as he bobbed his head slowly. Aron watched, lips parted as sounds of pleasure filled the quiet room. The hand on his head felt so good, patting him so gently that it was unfair. He felt like he’s a pampered child, the patting feeling like signs of acknowledgement of a job well done. 

He just wanted to please him even more.

“Jonghyun-ah, can you go deeper?” 

He compiled with a brief nod, eyes closed as he tried to relax his throat, taking him as deep as he could till Aron’s balls deep. The game programmer could feel it throbbing in his mouth, a sensation that sent jolts of pleasure through him, making him hard too. Through the thin layer of the rubber, Jonghyun could still taste the warmth, feel the way his length was stretching his mouth and throat as he sucked. The patting motions stopped as the hand rested at the base of his head, holding it there.

“-nng! Hnn...mmnn.... hyynng...”

The way Jonghyun was moaning made it seem like his wet mouth was squeezing down on his cock. The pleasure was rising, but it wasn’t nearly enough as Aron began thrusting into his mouth. Jonghyun tried to match his breathing with Aron’s rhythm. Not being able to move somehow excited him a little more, even if his throat was starting to hurt a little; Jonghyun wasn’t that familiar with the techniques of deepthroating, but the few times he did it, it felt _good_. 

To be out of control, to leave that said control to someone else was a scary experience. Jonghyun never trusted anyone easily in daily life. Being respectful was a given, but handling all his thrust was another. It was simply something that had to be earned, to be cultivated. Jonghyun knew that someone like him wasn’t able to preach on how to earn that trust, not when he kept Minhyun’s presence a complete secret. Regardless, he’s long given that to Aron, the same way his heart had wavered a while ago.

He trusts Aron not to hurt him.

“That’s enough, Jonghyun-ah.”

The grip loosen, and he removed his lips with a small pop sound. The hand at the back of his head circled round to cup his face gently, yet another gesture of reward. 

( It made Jonghyun happy. )

Aron grabbed the lube, and Jonghyun sat back, falling back onto the pillows as he spread his legs. “Oh god, you’re so hot like this, you know that?” Aron commented, palms against his inner thighs. 

“I know.” Jonghyun quirked a corner of his lips before he gritted his teeth, legs trembling where Aron was running his hands over. Aron took his time with him, setting flames along his 

skin. There was a nip, teeth scraping against his sensitive skin that made Jonghyun jolt, as a lubed finger slipped inside of him.

“Hmm, confident. I like it,” Aron laughed. And in between the little pleasures his body was feeling, he couldn’t take his eyes off the man in front of him. Aron moved in a way that teases him and yet pleased him; there’s a firm confidence in his steeled eyes, a mature, sexy charm that made Jonghyun flushed. The temperature is rising, and he worked to remove his own hoodie. Just as the cold air hits his neck, Aron leaned down again, capturing his lips, tongue playing against his when he gasped from a third, added finger.

He’s making embarrassing noises, half whining and moaning as he rotated his hips. Between him and Minhyun, they’ve tried alternating their roles, but eventually Jonghyun had settled on being the top; he liked the way he sinks into Minhyun’s body, enjoying every inch of his loved one’s skin to hear his reactions and feel each shiver down their spine.

But with Aron, it was the opposite. 

Parting from the kiss, he nudged Aron a little. “Hyung, enough...” he mumbled, reaching between them to grip Aron’s shaft, guiding him towards his prepped hole. It was too embarrassing to voice aloud what he wanted, even as bold as he seemed, there were just some things that Jonghyun wasn’t as good with words. Aron seemed to be well-taken with this bout of shyness, and he knew it’s something that he would be teased for future to come.

( Future...a word he never thought he’d use on anyone else. )

Aron sat down, and with one swift arm movement around Jonghyun’s waist, hoisted him up and readjusted their positioning. Jonghyun parted his lips in mild surprise, but Aron’s arms around his waist were firm, holding him in place. He could feel the elder’s erection pressed up against his ass. But before he could say anything else - do anything else - Aron cupped his face to direct his attention back to the dark brown eyes. 

“Are you sure?”

It felt like a silly question to be asking him that when they’re in an utmost intimate position, Aron’s erection pressed up against his ass, breath mixing together. Jonghyun didn’t reply in a heartbeat, swallowing as he took a deep breath.

Jonghyun knew that there was no turning back when he went up to his apartment. He was the one who asked to come by, inviting himself into the house. He was the one who asked Aron to hold him, to distract him from all the other thoughts of his lover by name, not by heart. He was the one who kissed him first, because he wanted to confirm his heart, and where it now lies.

Today, Jonghyun realised that his heart too, beats for someone else, even though it ached at the same time. 

It ached because he knew he could no longer turn back time and take back his words. Whether he found solace in Aron’s arms tonight, him and Minhyun were long over. It was pure stubbornness that kept them together, a sense of fear of losing what was once the most precious memories with each other. But what was the point? There was no fear of losing what had already been lost. 

He pressed his lips together, feeling wetness in his eyes. 

The broken heart that had been tied together by a piece of cloth, dyed red time and time again from the cuts of pretense that everything was fine, shattered to the floor as he unraveled the knot. With that, was a sort of pain that made him heaved, as the first tear falls. 

“...Jonghyun?”

Aron pulled away, panic and concern flooding his eyes again, but Jonghyun circled his arms around his neck, pulling him close. He shook his head, burying his face into the shoulder, hiding this weak, pathetic side of him from Aron’s view. But Aron would have none of it. Gentle hands coaxed him to look back at him as he sniffed quietly, trying to hold back his tears, his emotions. This was not like him to lose control, but he can’t stop it, the same way he can’t stop this weird conflicting ache in his heart.

All he knew was that he couldn’t let Aron go, too. That he needed him, wanted him. He wiped away yet another drop on his cheeks with the back of his hand roughly, shaking his head, willing the tears away to little avail.

“Jonghyun-”

“Hyung, please. I need this. I need you. _Please_.”

“I-”

“I mean it.”

Brown eyes gazed right into his own, before Aron relented, knitted brows easing. Jonghyun did mean it. He’s never a man who would sleep with someone else just because he could; one would call him naive, but he always believed that sex was something enjoyable only if it’s done with someone he liked. An emotional attachment, on top of the physical one. 

( He knew Minhyun was the exact same. )

Soft kisses kissed away his tears, and Jonghyun closed his eyes. He could feel Aron’s lips caressing all over his face, from his cheeks to his eyelids then sideways to his ears, jawline, and Adam’s apple. He let Aron comfort him with his soft touches, willing away the thoughts of Minhyun and any inch of hesitance left within him. 

“Nng-!”

Stomach clenching as Aron entered him, Jonghyun bit down on the patch of skin just right beside the neck. It was a tight fit, but Aron was warm, throbbing as he pushed into him firmly. Delight spasm like sparks of electricity running up his spine, clouding his swarming thoughts even more as he let out a silent sigh of contentment. As he fell forwards into Aron’s arms, the man running his hand up and down his back in soothing motions, Jonghyun decided not to think about anything else but this moment.

Tonight, as tears streamed down his cheeks, Jonghyun let pleasure fill up the cracks of his heart, allowing himself to be broken and grouped together again. Allowed himself the mercy of Aron's gentleness as he kissed away the tears, soothing his emotions with quiet coos and hushes. He let himself go in Aron's arms,.

Tonight, _he is his_.

The natural light streaming in through the crack of the curtains woke Aron up. His eyes snapped open as he groaned, one arm sore and numb from a certain someone sleeping on it through the night. Aron glanced to his right, eyes falling on the mushroom hair covering the face. Jonghyun was sleeping peacefully, chest rising and falling in steady rhythm. Aron rubbed the sleep away from his eyes, noting with amusement at the way the other could sleep in a face-down position, head tilted to the side so that he could breath. It looked like the most uncomfortable position ever, but it made him look even more endearing.

Love, was a word with too much weight for him to bear at the moment. Certainly, they had known each other for a few months now, but using the word ‘love’ felt too much. There’s responsibility behind the word itself, though Aron will admit that he’s deeply, deeply attracted by the male in front of him.

Aron liked Jonghyun, and it’s no secret. 

At first, all the foreigner wanted was a firm friendship. Jonghyun seemed like a nice person. Easy-going, someone who knew a little bit of fun from the way he played around with Noah. Friendly, albeit a little lonely. He’s mature too, well-read as he could tell from their conversations. They had deep conversations, as with light-hearted ones. With Jonghyun, he could talk about everything under the sun. 

Even though he got stuck at some Korean words at times, Jonghyun would patiently teach him, and suggested words if Aron had difficulty explaining himself. In between his less-than-stellar Korean and Jonghyun’s broken English, they managed to understand each other. 

Before long, Aron started to realise that he liked Jonghyun. _He liked him a lot_. The way he would express his love for the 2D world with praises as he stuffed him the latest manga he’s collecting, to the way he focused on his job, brows knitting together in concentration, confidence eluding in the way he spoke. Just watching Jonghyun made him happy, and to have a friend in him in this otherwise stranger lands, was a blessing. 

And when he asked him out, Jonghyun never refused, unless it clashed with a prior arrangement. Aron knew that they’ve never discussed their relationship before, always threading in the grey area of ambiguity between shared mystery smiles and keeping a small gap of a distance between their hands. The raven was alright with it - because he could see in the body language that Jonghyun had something weighing on his mind about them. 

Aron didn’t want to pry, so he made his advances with retreat. Once, he tried to invite Jonghyun to his apartment, but was rejected. He respected the decision, pretending that it didn’t hurt him just slightly. But all relationships take two hands to clap, and he didn’t want to force Jonghyun into an arrangement that he wasn’t comfortable with. 

So he decided that he would wait. Till the day Jonghyun took the next step, till the time he would open up about what caused the tears last night. 

Slender digits combed the smooth hair, parting it to the side so that it doesn’t cover his eyes when the bedsheets rustled. Jonghyun ducked further into the warm blankets, blinking slowly as he struggled to open his eyes. Aron let him take his time, pulling the blankets higher so that he could tuck Jonghyun in snugly. Curling up, the younger looked like a giant bed worm, and Aron chuckled as a pout formed on his face.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” Aron raised one hand to cover the sunrays glaring at his face through the curtains, and Jonghyun shook his head slowly.

“Sun,” he slurred, inching closer towards the warmth of Kwak Aron. Once again, he caught him, pulling him into his arms. Jonghyun smiled lazily, smacking his lips twice like a contented puppy given a treat and retreating into his afternoon nap. Resting on top of Aron’s chest, he could hear the steady heartbeat that sync with his own, like the two of them were one. The thought made him snuggle into the arms even more, feet slipping in between Aron’s pair, and once again drifted back to slumber.

By the time he really woke up, it was noon. He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he pushed himself up. The blanket around his shoulders slipped to his waist, revealing the little blossoms of purple bruises along the side of his waist. Jonghyun turned towards Aron, nothing the way he sat in bed, pillow propped up behind his back with a tablet in hand. He’s wearing glasses, but with his messy tousled hair, Aron looked more like a university student than a working adult. His paler skin was marred with the marks of their love-making, where Jonghyun’s teeth and nails dug into the skin. 

He reached out to rub the mark on his collarbone, tracing it with his index finger as Aron hummed in delight at the soft touches, but didn’t move from his spot. “Doing work?” Jonghyun asked casually, as if he wasn’t running his eyes and fingers along a naked body. Aron chuckled, gripping the naughty hand to land a quick peck on the back of his hand. 

“Just looking through some emails. You? Did you have a good sleep?”

A slow nod, followed by a stretch of his arms held high above his head. It was one of the better nights he’s had. Sleeping in Aron’s arms felt warm and safe. 

It’s a feeling that could easily make it a habit. 

He wrinkled his nose when he felt an oncoming sneeze, only for the moment to pass by. Blinking slowly, he looked up to find amusement hanging on the curl of Aron’s mouth. A hand reached to flatten out the stray strands of hair poking out at odd angles like a bird’s nest, and Jonghyun moved to cross his legs, sitting properly while the blanket was bundled around him. He grinned at the attention given, loving it and scoot closer. 

“I thought you said you don’t work on the bed. What’s that again? Some research that it disrupts your sleep?”

Aron chuckled, pinching his cheeks. “I usually don’t. But I don’t want to leave you alone in the room, so...anyway, it’s not like it’s heavy work. Just some emails. I’ve been binging some youtube videos too. Don’t worry about it.”

The words only made his heart fonder. 

“Hungry? Wash up, we can grab something simple to eat,” Aron spoke softly as Jonghyun fell forward, forehead resting upon his shoulders. The male shook his head, setting aside the tablet to pull the younger onto his lap. Up close, he could smell their shared body wash. Well, Aron’s body wash. The elder had pulled him to the bathroom to wash up before tuning in for the night, but the wash ended up being longer than expected after he hiked one leg up and around Aron’s side. 

“Hmm. What time is it, hyung?”

“It’s almost noon.”

Noon. That means Minhyun would likely be back home. Jonghyun tensed for a second, gears of his mind clanking as it got to work. It felt like he should be rushing back home, back to the shared apartment to greet him with breakfast. He blinked. 

“...You got a place to rush to? An appointment?”

No. 

There was always no obligations in this; it was never his duty to be like the househusband in their relationship. The months of him trying his best to make it easy for Minhyun was not reciprocated. More than a pair of lovers, it felt like two roommates’ consideration. Once, Minhyun was elated, never forgetting to do his part to buy dinner, to spend more time with him whenever time allowed. 

That was no more. 

All relationships take two hands to clap, and Jonghyun was tired of being a one-man audience. He looked up, eyes falling on Aron’s features. Today, he’s making a choice. 

A choice to stay. 

The programmer shook his head, easing his needless tension. “...I got the dates messed up. It’s Sunday, I forgot,” he hummed, waving away Aron’s question. It wasn’t the time to tell him all about that. Perhaps never will he know. But for now, Jonghyun just wanted to spend more time in a happy space, with the person that made him happy. 

He just wanted a place where he could heal.

“Can we eat in?” he asked, diverting the topic. His tummy grumbled at the right moment, while embarrassing, was a life-saver. 

“Haha, sure. What do you want?”

“Pizza. Chicken wings. Cola.”

“Anything else?”

Jonghyun shook his head, then nodded, fingers playing with the hem of Aron’s white tee. There’s a smirk that surfaced, lips drawled so slowly that it looked so sly. 

“ _You_.”

* * *

While many people’s impression of Minhyun was the quiet and gentle boy, the true Minhyun was anything but. Gentle at times, perhaps, but quiet was an adjective that was never in his dictionary. Loud in the way he sung while walking around, in his thundering footsteps and even his laughter, Minhyun’s voice had a presence of its own, and sometimes, a force to be reckoned.

Dongho supposed that’s the charms and natural talents of a giant. 

Dropping himself on the work chair with much eagerness, Minhyun was decked in his favourite shirt and a pair of jeans, bare feet crossed on the chair as he waited. Today was a serious work day. Whenever they had a song to review, Minhyun would come in with high spirits, notebook in hand as he waited for Dongho to tap play on the spacebar. For any musician, the idea of listening to a full track for the very first time was a thrilling experience. 

Not to mention, the song being played would be special. Minhyun and Dongho were partners in crime in their little studio. Beyond that of a physical affair, was the chemistry of two musicians. For the most part, they wrote songs with each other, but this project was special. Minhyun knew that it was a song for Raina noona - an artiste with a warm smile and a good heart, often purchasing food for them during the course of recording after it dropped on the charts. But beyond the artiste name, he knew little else. 

Not all projects were handled by both of them. Sometimes a bill would come in, invoicing only one person’s name, crediting their hard work for penning lyrics, composing a tune or simply rearranging a song. As a small studio, they cannot be choosers, but Dongho was never one to begin with. Sometimes, Dongho would take the helm of one job, while Minhyun would handle something else. He may not be an adept producer, but he understood how the things work thanks to the hours of slaving beside his partner. At least, he could handle basic demo recording, and simple mixing till either Dongho or Bumzu had time to review.

This was one of those projects where he had no hand in partaking, but song reveals were the same. Dongho would always invite Minhyun into the studio, never once sending him the audio file until they’ve booth listened to it together. It’s childish, but it feels like their own little date. A movie night, except that the visuals were conjured from the mind behind closed eyes, and the audio blasted in full-surround sound as they reclined on their work chairs. 

Song reveals were their thing.

Except today, Dongho doesn’t share the same excitement. Minhyun didn’t know that, of course, all wrapped up in his joyful bubble as he chewed on the warm buns that he bought - a treat for Dongho - waiting. The male’s finger hovered on the keyboard, wavering.

“Shall we?” Minhyun’s voice snapped Dongho back into reality. Flustered, he muttered something akin to an apology, but didn’t give Minhyun any chance to question further.

“You ready?” He asked instead, eyes wavering as he looked at him. Minhyun straightened up, lips parted in mild confusion. For all the times they’ve had this song reveal, Dongho was never this nervous. He wasn’t even this nervous when he released his own track on the market under the alias ‘Baekho’, a song he featured in Bumzu’s own album. Something else was eating at him from the inside, that much Minhyun could tell.

But the producer wasn’t going to talk about it, turning his eyes back onto the worktable in front of him. 

The play button was pressed, and Raina’s voice filled the air with a light-hearted tune. The song played as they fell in absolute silence, Dongho with his eyes casted on the floor and Minhyun’s wide-eyed look, expressions changing from confusion to surprise to a quiet, seething rage. 

There were very few things that could make Minhyun lose his temper. The man’s known for his temperament, patience stretching for days as he didn’t spare too much of a thought on one thing for long. Annoyed at times, yes. But being mad was rare. Today was one of those days, and even without looking at him directly, Dongho could feel the burn from the intensity of the stare as the song ended. They continue to sit in silence, Minhyun balling and unfurling his fists, Dongho fiddling with his thumbs.

“No.”

Minhyun broke the silence first, turning around in the chair towards his direction. Dongho stilled, turning away towards his computer, not ready for a direct confrontation. It wasn’t something he could avoid just by evading the stare, however, as Minhyun stood up, one hand slamming against the table. The producer glanced at the reddened hand, brows furrowing with a softened gaze.

“Min-”

“Who gave you permission to look through my things? Who gave you the rights to use those lines - my lines - for your personal project? Who do you think you are?”

The words hurt, rendering Dongho speechless as he struggled to come up with the words he’s rehearse over and over again. The lines were private and he knew that, knew that he was only allowed to ever review the lyrics with a post-it indicating that they’re ready. Minhyun had gotten annoyed once before too, when Dongho jumped on half-written lyrics only for the other male to rush through it while nagging all night long. 

But this was different, and even he knew it. No matter how much he fell behind as a lyricist compared to Minhyun, he could understand the message pretty well. No matter how light-hearted his melody was to cover up his own quivering heart, Dongho couldn’t pretend that it didn’t hurt. 

Still, he felt like he had to do it. 

“I’m leaving.”

Dongho snapped his eyes upwards to the shadow cast upon him. Minhyun was still ethereal even if he’s angry, the red running down his neck didn’t mask his handsomeness one bit. His lips quirked into a smile, unable to flare up nor engage in a fight with him. The lyricist was not having it, however. He gritted his teeth, jaw set as he turned away, grabbing his bag. It was that movement that broke his chain of thoughts, the shorter male hurried to grab his wrist.

“Minhyun-ah.”

“No. No means no. How dare you? Why would you?” 

There’s panic rising in his eyes, the anger mixed with disbelief and a little bit of fear. No one liked to address the elephant in the room. It wasn't a good enough reason to keep running away from the problem at hand. His grip loosen, and Minhyun shrugged free. 

“Don’t you want to tell him?” Dongho reasoned, voice soft as he hid his curled fist behind his back. There’s a complex look that washed over Minhyun’s features, and Dongho only shook his head. 

He doesn’t understand.

He never understood the reason why Minhyun was having this affair with him when he still cared about Jonghyun. Minhyun who always looked at Jonghyun like he’s the star of his entire universe, Minhyun who spoke little about him but whenever he did, so fondly, so proud. Minhyun who was known as the perfect boyfriend in anyone’s eyes, the ultimate gentleman, and yet, a downright cheater with a colleague that he never expressed interest beyond that of a friend outside their studios.

Dongho doesn’t get it, even if his own selfishness didn’t want to let Minhyun go. Even if it’s just a tiny, torned, ragged piece in Minhyun’s otherwise spotless life, Dongho wanted to share one memory that was special between them and them only. He knew that cheating was wrong, that it was against his own moral code. He should have had more discipline than this, but he was head over tails for Hwang Minhyun.

And he too, chose to turn a blind eye to his lack of proper judgement behind closed doors. When he tasted Minhyun’s lips for the very first time, Dongho knew he couldn’t go back to ignoring what should have been a one-night-stand, an utter mistake. But like a drug addict, an alcoholic, he can’t help but crave for more of him, more kisses, more whimpers as he writhe under his weight. And he could never reject Minhyun either. When he drew near and that familiar cologne hits, Dongho found himself leaning in to savor his taste, until he had him for the entire night. 

He was always the person who couldn’t say no. Minhyun was the opposite.

Minhyun never talked about their relationship between that of working relationship. He could gasp his name when their limbs tangled with the sheets till dawn breaks, but once his feet touch the ground, Dongho found himself to be one that could only chase after his shadows.

( He felt like the obsessive one, so much so that once, he even thought Minhyun had whispered the three magic words he had always wanted to hear. Except that he knew it was impossible.

Minhyun would never be so kind, nor be so cruel to utter the words ‘I love you’. )

For all that they had, and for the years he had with Jonghyun, Dongho just couldn't get it. He could see the little bits and pieces of their relationships in any songs that Minhyun would share, but he always jumbled up those lyrics about his life with someone else’s stories. Enough to make Dongho doubt his thoughts, but not enough that it went over his head. They had issues and they had their bad days, that much he could grasp. But for a relationship to last, there must be something else.

Was it pure memory, was it love that didn’t quite fit with their personal goals? Dongho couldn’t guess in the depths of Minhyun’s eyes, so muddled whenever his gaze glossed, pencil held gracefully between his fingers, chin propped on open palm. He had so much within his mind, but Dongho only had the honor of knowing Minhyun in his penned ink on an old notebook.

“...Know what?” Minhyun asked him in return, almost quiet in his words as he met his eyes straight on. Dongho swallowed. His heart was beating rapidly, excruciatingly, like someone had dragged a blunt rough stone along his skin over and over again, scratching him, hurting him, but not enough to draw blood. It’s agony that locked his throat up, stealing his voice. 

( He doesn’t get why Minhyun was mirroring his expressions, either. )

“That you want to start over again. Do something, make a change to this state of limbo. I don’t know why...why you slept with me, when you have him. But the fact that you never let him go is telling isn’t it?” Dongho’s eyes stared away, zoning out. He brought this onto himself for having hope in the first place, and now that he’s utterly and stupidly in love with someone that doesn’t love him back, all he could do was to pick up the broken shards by himself. 

“Tell him,” he took a deep breath, lips pursed, “tell him that you still love him.”

“...” There’s pure silence, one so heavy that Dongho thought he almost couldn’t breath. And then, “you sure are an idiot.” 

Minhyun left without looking back. 

And that was going to be the last he would hear from him in a while.

* * *

The door to their apartment slammed shut as Jonghyun walked into the living room in a hurried pace, shoes kicked off to the side, eyes roaming around till it landed on the surprised figure standing in the center. He heaved, breath messy from the little run he broke out into starting from the convenience store two blocks down, hair equally unkempt. 

“You-”

“That-”

They both stopped. Minhyun gestured for Jonghyun to continue first, but words were failing him as he stepped a tad closer, tongue swiping against his dry bottom lip. Minhyun did the same, a bad habit he cultivated since he was a child, his standard reaction in light of nerves. Ultimately, the song-writer couldn’t stand the tension in the air, and the silence that settled in between.

“You heard the song?”

Jonghyun nodded.

There are many things that he doesn’t know about Minhyun when it comes to his job. It’s the same way Minhyun wouldn’t understand the lines after lines of coding he typed into his screen, or the way he would construct games with different scenarios. They each had their own expertise, which happened to be something the other was not interested in. Jonghyun loved listening to songs, but he lacked interest in learning to write them; Minhyun would sit down to take over Jonghyun’s seat for a good few rounds of League of Legends, but he didn’t care to know what goes on to the construction of the game.

Just like two normal consumers purchasing products produced by each other.

But Jonghyun always knew which song was written by him, especially so when they were sung by the usual few artistes that used their studio. Raina noona was one of the key performing solos to begin with, so when he heard the song played on the radio of Aron’s car, Noah barking in the backseat, he had straightened up and froze.

He didn’t have much time to really explain anything to Aron, except that he remembered he’s got a pre-appointment with an old friend, and he needed to head home soon. A quick search up on a streaming site and he confirmed his suspicions, and in between the traffic after work hours, Jonghyun alighted at the convenient store and took off. 

Jonghyun half expected Minhyun to be missing. On most nights he’s gone, and on nights that songs are released, he’d be gone too. It’s their work thing to celebrate with a small toast, celebrating the small little victories of their studio as it marched towards the goal of becoming a bigger disrupter in the industry. It’s like their own movie nights, a fixed event that once took part every other week. 

It took over movie nights, if anything.

They stood awkwardly, Minhyun with one hand at the back of his neck as Jonghyun tucked his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. Eventually, the male opened his mouth to say something, but Minhyun beat him to it again.

“ _Well, also, welcome home, Jonghyun-ah._ ”

Minhyun may be the first to raise the topic of the song, but neither of them continued it. They’re back to their usual business, each tending to their own issues that only served as a cold reminder that things weren’t the same as before. It’s weird, Jonghyun had mused when he laid in bed later that night, back facing the taller boy while he curled up. In the past he often bottled up his own feelings of distress to Minhyun’s detachment, but now that he too, was dating someone else, he can’t help but question what was it between them, and what was left.

As young teens, they already developed certain habits that they brought with them into adulthood. Jonghyun never stopped disliking tomatoes, viewing them as the natural enemy he vowed to eliminate by dropping them in Minhyun’s bowl. Minhyun was always the clean freak between the two of them, arranging things to keep them in order and took charge of trash disposal even after they moved in together. It got to the point where it was only natural to be in sync with one another, finishing each other’s sentences, laughing at the same inner joke at the same time.

And then, like clockwork that only moved clockwise on a twelve digit face, they both found roles that they were comfortable with, adapting into them, like a mold of perfect squares that fit side by side. 

Even when their relationship had cooled, they still slept on the same bed, just dreaming of different dreams. Days of spooning each other turned into the permanent position on their side of the bed, back to back, each curled up in their own blankets as they lulled themselves to sleep. Minhyun continued to wake Jonghyun up in the morning before he runned off to his then-desk job, while Jonghyun would be the one to run out and do the household errands, such as supermarket runs or filing the bills.

What they did out of mutual love, slowly became a mere addition to their daily schedules. Then they created new habits, and the cycle repeats.

It’s scary how habits can change a person, and fix a person within the same box in an endless loop. 

His mind trailed back to the lyrics of the song as he turned over fully, eyes boring into Minhyun’s sleeping figure, back facing him and hand tucked under the pillow where his head laid on top. Minhyun used to sleep facing the ceiling, a physical manifestation of his disciplined and restrained nature. After they started sleeping over at each other’s places, his hands had learned to wrap themselves around Jonghyun’s waist, holding him like a cocoon, warm and soft. Now, they were two pieces of jigsaw turned the other way, looking as if they fit but couldn’t do so anymore.

Minhyun wrote that he wanted to try something new, something that would break their schedule in a loop. Jonghyun wondered how much of it was true. Minhyun often drew his inspirations from daily observations and self-reflections, but also of pure memories. Once, he too loved resting his head on his lap as Minhyun hummed his lyrics on random tunes. Jonghyun always seemed like he was engaged in his game, engrossed that he couldn’t lift an eye to look at his lover, but sometimes he would hum along too, husky voice cushioning the lighter falsetto notes.

Even now, he’d recognize if a song was about them, or about him. 

Unlike back then, he no longer understood why. He thought their stories had ceased wordlessly, the the awkward silence that fell in the room when they’re both around doing their own things. Sharing a space, but not the mind. 

There’s no reason to drop this song now. They’ve sailed too far away from each other to try anything new again, even if neither of them broke the magic ( or was this a curse? ) of this loop, living in a bubble that was threatening to burst at any time. Yet, yet...as he repeated his disbelief for the umpteenth time like a broken record, he couldn’t help but wavered when he heard it. For a short instant, he felt his heart race again for a person that had pronounced it dead. 

So much so that when Minhyun casually threw out a ‘Do you have time? Let’s go out tomorrow’, he had taken a deep breath and nodded.

Just like that. 

He reached out one hand, sliding across the clean sheets, nearly touching the fabric of Minhyun’s loose tee when he stopped. It felt too inappropriate, too intimate.

Too weak.

He curled his fists, pulling back quickly as he turned to the other side, eyes shutting as he sighed. 

( Ultimately, Jonghyun supposed that he too, wanted to know if there was still a piece of Minhyun at the bottom of his heart. )

* * *

“It’s been a really long while!”

Morning sun rained down on him as he shifted his cap, Jonghyun blinked slowly at the castle looming in sight with each step they neared the Lotte World entrance. The weather was warm, heating up the black tee hanging loosely on his petite frame. Minhyun had strode along, mobile phone out as he snapped at random, his white polo tee and slim capri pants a strike contrast to his darker colors and jeans. Among the children and families and young couples walking around, the two men caught many stares. 

Jonghyun attributed it to Minhyun’s height and striking good looks. While it wasn’t his handsome features that won his heart a long time ago, Minhyun’s visuals did get better with age. His skin was delicate, jaw sharpened when he lost his baby fats, and he grew out his brows as the old scar faded with time. Gone was the childish, cheeky child, the boy maturing into a fine lad with gentlemanly charms and a softer demeanor. 

It’s a change he barely noticed until one day, it seemed like Minhyun was a completely different person. There are girls in their school who would trail behind him after class, girls that Minhyun didn’t bat an eye because they were on him, they always were. The dramatic confession by one of the school’s boldest girl who was also an internet model, only for Minhyun to apologize, all the while taking the box of chocolates in sitcom fashion. Minhyun was cute and clueless, they say. Jonghyun would argue that Minhyun was cute, but they were the ones that were clueless about him. 

Because Minhyun was more than just looking like a standard delusional absolute boyfriend for these girls - and boys. 

Yet, it was through them that he came to see Minhyun little changes. When you see someone on a daily basis, the gradual transformation was subtle, easily forgotten. And then in a snap, it seemed like they’ve just become a different person. 

It was always the moment of realization that struck the hardest.

“Jonghyun-ah, help me take a photo.”

He turned towards the direction of the voice, the male with a light curl on his lips handing his phone out to him. Jonghyun’s eyes widened ever so slightly as he took the phone, stunned in his spot as Minhyun slipped through the crowds towards the center spot, right in front of the castle.

When they were younger, Minhyun wasn’t a big fan of taking photos. He had proclaimed that he’s still a little confident about his looks, except that Jonghyun was better looking than him. It was silly and funny and ego-boosting, enough to make Jonghyun puffed his chest like an overgrown baby praised by his mother. But that changed when they entered college. Minhyun’s Instagram always had a lot of followers, even if he never quite updated it much unless he travels. 

And all his travel shots were taken by him. 

They shared a good amount of time together, alone. Traveling outside of Seoul on weekends to escape the busy lifestyle for a piece of quiet time, traveling beyond the country during the major semester breaks where they finally had time to enjoy the last of their academic life without the worries of adulting. They went to gangwon-do, where Jonghyun would point out the bits of his childhood. Busan was where Minhyun shared his own childhood, though with a bit of mishaps and clumsiness from forgetting how the complex underground railroad worked. They disappeared to the salt fields of Jeungdo where they thought they could touch the skies as light reflected upon the mirrors of the watered flats. They took off on a self-drive around Jeju island after getting their license, passing one week after the other. 

They also went to Japan for three weeks, using up most of their spare budget just to celebrate their upcoming graduation. Then there was Taiwan, another country near enough that was hospitable. Macau, to see the glitz and glamor of casinos. Bali, the island where Jonghyun would just rest on the beach because he can’t swim, before Minhyun dragged him out for a banana boat ride. 

All these memories, immortalised in photos, splayed over Minhyun otherwise inactive Instagram. What the rest would have swooned and left comments after comments to vye for his attention, were the results of Jonghyun’s own affections for his lover. 

He too, took a shot of Minhyun at this very entrance of Lotte World five years ago. 

“Jonghyun-ah?”

“Oh.”

He shook his head at Minhyun’s face of confusion, raising the phone. It’s a new model, one that he probably changed in the last month or so because Jonghyun didn’t have any recollection of this. As foreign the phone was in his hands, so was the scene in front of him. Even if Minhyun still held that same smile - not the shy one when he’s flustered around other people - the sort that was pursed-lip and wide, face tilting upwards to the sun ( Jonghyun used to call him a sunbathing cat whenever he does that sitting by the windows ), it was five years too late.

The shutter went on a few times, and Jonghyun proceeded to hand the phone back. Minhyun shook his head, turning around to skip inside the theme park, as if knowing that Jonghyun would follow close behind. The male looked at the iphone, its weight heavier than it should be in his hands, and pocketed it, stepping right after.

* * *

Asking Jonghyun out the next day was something done on a whim. Minhyun didn’t know what he was searching for exactly on this trip ( date ); he didn’t even know why he allowed Dongho to complete the song in the first place. He knew that if he insisted, Dongho would relent eventually, because he always does. Minhyun was his soft spot, and more often than not he’s already taken advantage of the producer like that. Yet, to all the apologetic text messages he received, Minhyun only asked him to send the final song over.

In a month, Raina’s ‘Loop’ was released in the market, slowly rising through the ranks thanks to her sweet voice and a sweeter melody. If only people listening would know the kind of conflict hidden deep within the lines. 

The song started out as something from his earlier days. A piece that he worked on back and forth. The sentences were simpler, holding the innocence of the days where he used to hide his lyrics at the back of his textbooks away from prying eyes, days where he would only ever dark to ink it down on the back of Jonghyun’s hand before he pressed kisses upon his tanned skin. They were cheesy as they were hopeful, they were the kind of thoughts before the world opened his eyes to deeper emotions within.

And these words were forgotten until that day with Jonghyun, limbs tangled within the sheets that brought a sense of nostalgia along with the suffocating rope of guilt. He found the piece of paper again when he turned to put his frustration into cleaning, taking out old boxes to the trash in his quiet routines. 

It was this crumpled piece of paper that caught his eyes. The lyrics were a very rough draft, the sort where he always thought to keep for the next time because he couldn’t find a good way to end the story. Years later, Minhyun finished the lines that were waiting for this moment. It was a time where he thought to throw everything in the present and escape to the past again. It felt like an easier solution, yearning for the past and simpler days where the biggest challenge in their life was passing the college entrance exams. 

He didn’t want to think about the people he hurt in his selfishness, about the fact that he’s giving up years of friendship and love. It was...complicated to say the least. What should be a no-strings attached, turned into something more.

( No, he was just deceiving himself. Because Minhyun wasn’t the kind of person to be intimate with someone else unless he too, shared an ounce of the same feelings. )

Dongho managed to turn the song into a romanticized love song, a master in his melodies that often surprised people when they realised sweet songs were written by a buff man who seemed to be a brute at first sight. But he’s always held a sensitive soul - a boy who would spend five minutes decorating his yogurt and proudly show it off to him, a man who told him to change some verses to gender-neutral pronouns to widen the spectrum of listeners. The kind of person who would spend time scrolling through his phone, reading all the new reviews about his songs, internalising it, and worked harder. 

( It’s exactly the kind of sight that made Minhyun’s heart fall for him bit by bit. )

But even Dongho couldn’t understand that when Minhyun wrote the song, it wasn’t a literal wish for a fresh start. It was impossible, not only on his end, but Jonghyun’s end. He’s not blind to the subtle changes in Jonghyun’s life over the last few months either. The way he always seemed to be hiding a chuckle when his phone vibrated with text messages pouring in, or the way he too, was spending more time outdoors.

He’d see him humming as he rolled dog hair out of his hoodie, heading out more often than not when he’s even more of a homebody than him. There’s stars in his eyes once again when he greeted him in the morning, but Minhyun knew that the painter who put the milky way on the black canvas wasn’t him anymore.

At first, there was a surprise. Even though he was the first to to step out of their relationship, leaving it only in existence in name and nothing else, he couldn’t stop the pang of loss in his heart. It was only in due time, he supposed; one could even call it a form of karma. But behind that mild displeasure that he knew he had no rights to, was also the tiniest bit of relief. 

It’s...complicated.

The songwriter didn’t know exactly why he picked Lotte World, but he supposed he’d roll with wherever his mind was thinking at the moment, just for a day. It was out of his usual practise as a man who always had a fixed plan, but Jonghyun wasn’t particularly against it when they rolled into the parking lot, merely arching his brows once as a response. 

( Jonghyun wasn’t the only one who wanted to know if it was still them against the world. )

Stepping into the place felt like walking into a wormhole, but Jonghyun knew that this reality wasn’t a part of his science fiction fantasy. Everything in Lotte World was eerily the same, except for new prints and figurines for their merchandise. They both got matching headbands, like the youth they were when they went for the first time as a couple. It drew some eyes - two men walking through the crowd hand in hand, standing apart from the other group of students and families around them.

Jonghyun glanced at their hands. Minhyun’s hands were small compared to his height, so it fit snugly with his own hand. It’s warm too, and Jonghyun used to spend his winter taking naps with hand intertwined, only for them to groan and complain in the morning when their wrists are sore being in the same position. But now, he couldn’t help but think about Aron’s hands - slender, larger, and cold even in summer. Aron’s always got colder limbs, and it makes him want to hold him close, sharing a bit of his warmth with him. Whenever he snuggled closer, Aron would laugh, and Jonghyun would look up to face his smiles…

A shadow casted on his face, and he tilted his head upwards to meet with Minhyun’s fox-like eyes. He blinked, then out of habit, squeezed his hand in return to say that he’s fine. Minhyun didn’t press on, and they both broke eye contact to glance straight ahead at the slow-moving queue.

The views were the same when they were holding hands amid the crowd for the very first time. It was sweaty then, their palms wet, but Minhyun’s grip was firm, preventing him from withdrawing his hand, as if they had a statement to make. 

Now, they had none of that.

Jonghyun paused, slipping his hand out of the loose grip, turning to wrap his arm around the taller male’s elbows. Minhyun didn’t say much at the change in posture, but Jonghyun felt much better.

It’s a stance they’ve adopted before dating, when their world was just a friendship beyond anything of the world. That’s right, they were friends before lovers. Jonghyun thought that they would never be able to regress back to friends if they stopped being lovers. But this was comfortable, way more than having to play the part as boyfriends simply because everyone around them was long adapted to the idea of them. 

He felt his phone vibrate, messages coming in breaking his attention. Jonghyun fished his mobile out to look at the notification. His gaze softened, but after a moment of hesitation, he didn’t click it open. Instead, he turned his phone on silent, swiping away the notification and dropped his phone back into his pockets.

“Not going to reply?” Minhyun asked, voice so soft that it could have been carried by the winds and disappear.

Aron was on the other side of the line, and only he would know how much he wanted to click in and respond, react, acknowledge. But it felt way too out of place to do so, especially whe he’s standing beside his actual boyfriend. ( Actual? Were they? Was there even anything left behind an old label? )

They....would have more time to do so in the future.

But between him and Minhyun? It was now, or never.

Jonghyun shook his head, smile appearing as he found his resolute. “Not today.” 

The taller male parted his lips to say something, but when their eyes met, somehow, it clicked. He promptly shut his mouth as the attendant nearby started yelling instructions on how to get on the roller coaster, none of it registering in his mind as the silence held between them.

( At that moment, they both knew that today was probably the last of its kind. )

* * *

“No seriously, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment,” Jonghyun complained in between bouts of laughter. Minhyun snorted, dapping the corner of his lips with a piece of tissue as he held a piece of fried chicken with a pair of chopsticks by poking right through the middle of it. 

They were back in the apartment, and night had fallen. They fought over what to have for dinner, before they both packed their choice for the best of both worlds. Jonghyun had his fried chicken with bone, sauces opened and messily placed on the cardboard boxes in front of him. Minhyun opted for his galbijjim ( “boring~” Jonghyun had called out on their way home, smelling the familiar sauce the moment they sat down in the car ), though he didn’t pause to steal chicken.

There's cans of beer - the programmer's - along with a giant bottle of cola. After all, Minhyun was a lightweight and was only allowed half-a-cup, an offer he took for later. Two plastic cups with the soda sat in front of them as the variety show droned on on the Television, a show that they watched in between their banter.

It was a lazy night.

The kind that you share with a friend.

“What? They said I was good, okay? The evidence is right there,” Minhyun protested, pointing to the soft toy sitting in the corner of the couch. Jonghyun gave him a pointed look, unimpressed, but amusement was twinkling at the corner of his eyes as he nodded. Minhyun gave a proud look, eyes disappearing into slits he closed his lids, widening his arms as if he’s standing under falling confetti, praises for his job well done singing at Lotte World’s mini contest in the day.

Jonghyun hadn’t recalled having this much fun with Minhyun in a while. They revisited all the rides they did before at the theme park, and snacked during their break. Jonghyun snapped photos of him at every different corner, a mix of posed and candid shots that he left it up to Minhyun’s discretion to reveal or not. They found some time to drop by the bookstore where Minhyun could pick up another poem book, before rushing to their booked timeslot at the arcade cafe for a few rounds of games. 

All the things they’ve did before, refreshed after a prolonged period. It almost felt like a new experience. Perhaps it’s due to the different mindset he’s held now, a mindset that Minhyun seemed to share. 

For the amount of time they spent avoiding the elephant in the room, they spent even more time ignoring any potential comments about their relationships. Jonghyun had never spoken a single word about Aron to him, the same way Minhyun’s mention of Dongho was only the studio’s name or a glance at the credit sheet when he sent him a Melon screenshot in the last year or so.. 

Even when they ate breakfast together, went out to cafes quietly together, sat in the living room together, slept on the same bed together, there’s nothing about them that’s together beyond the sharing of a same physical space.

There’s oceans between the five inch gap whenever they both sat down on the couch, fiddling with their phones engaged in mindless talk that never got them anywhere.

( Jonghyun wondered if either of them had the courage to talk to each other first, to have the courage to step out of their broken romantic relationship in attempt to savage the friendship, would they have found peace earlier, easier? )

The meal is done when Minhyun reached for the spare plastic cup, pouring himself half a cup of beer from Jonghyun's newly opened can. Not more, not less, almost exactly half. For someone who seeked such precision, they used to joke that Minhyun would have become a scientist if not for his clumsy nature. Jonghyun leaned against the back of the couch, legs stretched as he waited for the other male to settle into a comfortable position with his legs cross. Like a prediction ringing true, Minhyun did exactly that, hands holding onto the beer after he took a large sip.

It was such a trip down the memory lane like this, except that he was living in it. It's surreal, that they were just grown up versions of themselves doing the exact same thing, the same formula with different variables. The Jonghyun a decade ago sipping on his cola-cider mixture would never have imagined that his friendship with his best friend would have come to an end in this exact same way.

His eyes were gentle when he reached out to pat Minhyun's bangs, combing the soft locks in place while the songwriter sat there, letting silence fill in the gaps between them. They were once each other's only friend that they could confide in, the only person they would show their most vulnerable sides to, the only ones that knew the deepest secrets and every inch of the other's skin.

They were each other’s firsts for many things, but they are not going to be each other’s lasts.

“It’s been a long while since we have been together, right?”

"..."

In the silence, Jonghyun shifted to face Minhyun head on. The lyricist just finished the rest of his beer in one shot, letting Jonghyun take the plastic cup away from him before holding onto his hands, fingers curling together as his thumb rubbed against his knuckles. He took a deep breathe, swallowed. Even when it came down to this final moment, Minhyun was weak, and he just couldn't bring himself to say anything, to initiate it. 

He's always hid behind Jonghyun's wing, under the shadow of the smaller frame. He's relied on him since forever, a dependence that ate into his bones, that even events such as a break up had to be taken into his hands.

The trembling fingers didn't go ignored by Jonghyun, who tightened his hold. The gesture was firm, forcing Minhyun to look up at him. 

And Jonghyun didn’t force the other to speak out. Instead, he continued after a twitched smile, biting back the emotions from overwhelming him. He could already see the wetness in Minhyun’s eyes, down to the way his bottom lip quivered slightly.

“You know, I thought we’d be forever,” Jonghyun whispered, voice so loud that it hit right against Minhyun’s chest, rattling his soul. “Our friends teased us for being each other’s shadow in high school, and our parents told us that same thing when we decided to move in together. I thought the same too. Even though forever is a long time, I even thought it wouldn’t be enough. It’s so cheesy, I know.”

Who wouldn’t think forever was too short of a fairytale when they’re heads over heels in love? They were hopeful and bright-eyed, and they had their future laid out in front of them like a textbook manual. Graduating from college, they will spend five years focusing on their work, then they would maybe save enough to travel a few continents on a late honeymoon. Maybe they can adopt a child, if Korea government makes it possible by then.

Sweet dreams spoken while they pointed to virtual stars in their newly furnished room, ceiling lighting up from the new planetarium projector Jonghyun bought Minhyun for his birthday. Minhyun would go on to write a song called ‘Daybreak’ for this, planting kisses on his neck as he called him his muse. Simple pleasures, cherished memories.

They had loved, hated, and cared for each other. They cherished, abandoned, and found it hard to let go. They lost themselves, and found themselves again. It was 8 years that left no more regrets.

They had their ‘forever’.

“When things started...becoming different, I felt a sense of betrayal. I was upset too, I was angry. I thought to myself why weren’t you here when I needed you. I hated it when the room was empty because you chose work over me. And when you started choosing him over me too, I thought….I was waiting for you to tell me, Minhyun-ah. I don’t know why, but I was waiting. I thought if there’s one more day that you didn’t tell me, I could pretend everything is okay.”

He had been bitter, and he had disliked Dongho, blamed him even. But what was the point? In the end, Jonghyun knew that it wasn’t all about him that caused this shift between them. Dongho could be a catalyst at best, but the cracks between their relationships were already long lasting.

When Jonghyun kept to himself because he decided that Minhyun had no interest in his game development. When he brushed off Minhyun’s offer to travel because he was so intent on fulfilling his own dream too, trying to catch up to Minhyun’s success. When they fought over the smallest things out of irritation, of a lack of understanding that they were both at their own breaking end, stressed out by various life commitments and differences in lifestyle. 

Jonghyun had shrugged his hand off when they were out in public, too afraid of catching attention from others about two male holding hands. Minhyun who never had too much of a concept when it comes to saving, splurging on things that jonghyun would view as a waste of money for their little amount of savings. When Minhyun’s dad fell ill, when Jonghyun’s mom had to close down her store to save money; Jonghyun had hidden his problems to himself, never wanting to involve Minhyun, and vice versa. 

These banters were fun to have, a step in their relationship where they took the chance to tell each other what they think. And then they became chores at the time their minds were worn down by daily life. Eventually, they were a nuisance, a bother, a thing they kept from each other out of this ‘respect’. 

And they both had their chances.

Things like, if Jonghyun hadn’t made that last minute appointment with an old classmate and ended up being there for their last movie night. If Minhyun had picked up the phone before Jonghyun called Aron. The many if’s, the little things they did as hints for each other, were soft calls of help to salvage their relationship. 

Neither of them made a grab at it. They pushed at each other so much that they couldn’t pull themselves back anymore. No one ever came in between them. They were already walking down a different path.

The timing was long gone. 

“You were both my best friend and my lover. ‘I just can’t lose two persons’ I thought. I can’t lose either of you.”

Minhyun parted his lips, nose red.

But the first tear fell from his eyes.

“...I’m sorry, Jonghyun-ah. _I’m sorry_.”

It was the lease he could do, because Jonghyun deserved it and so much more. And Minhyun’sapology - sorry for cheating on him when he could have let them move on earlier, sorry for hurting him when that’s the last thing he wanted to do, sorry for falling in love with someone else. 

This was the most Jonghyun had ever spoken about them. Minhyun was always the one that spoke more, in his loud and occasionally brusque way despite the gentle, princely outlook. He’s the one that brought a sense of reality to the table in most topics, but today, it was Jonghyun’s words that were raw, hitting upon him like needles piercing his skin. 

He said he feared losing two persons. Was it not the same for Minhyun? They had each other for so long, they were two planets orbiting around each other. How can one just withdraw themselves from this orbit without the fear of it crashing and burning everything down with them?

Minhyun felt his throat choked up as he gripped at Jonghyun’s hands. 

Everything from the past came to mind, culminating in this very moment. The finale.

This was it.

“Minhyun-ah,” Jonghyun called, as the other closed his eyes, teeth biting hard to stop the sob from sounding out. They’re both crying now, a mess of emotions building from within. Even if they had someone else that they fell for, even if a part of their hearts now beat for someone else, they still felt the pain of loss. 

It’s heart wrenching, yet bittersweet. While it ached, it didn’t tear them apart like how they feared it would. 

After all, 2 years was a long time, and it was enough for them to move on.

“ _Let’s break up_.”

* * *

They fell asleep holding hands, curling up on the bed facing each other. Minhyun was first to wake up, the sun forcing him to open his eyes, and ironically prickled his vision until he rolled out of bed to pull the curtains. 

He spent the whole night crying, the two of them just holding hands in wordless fashion as they let their tears fall. At some point in their relationship, they’ve had instances where they were close to giving up, but eventually held on. Like Jonghyun said, he thought they were going to be forever. But when things didn’t work out, they simply don’t. They couldn’t help their hearts for reaching out to someone else that would fulfill what they really needed. 

Long strides brought him towards the sleeping figure as he bent over, pulling the blankets up nicely till they covered his shoulders. “Thank you, Jonghyun-ah,” he whispered. 

Then, he left.

It was a disheveled Dongho that greeted him when he barged into the studio apartment, the male jumping up just as he jammed the password onto the electronic lock. Just thinking of the number had made him laugh inwardly - 072189. Their birthdays are put together. Dongho thought he was being discrete when he created the password, but even Bumzu had noticed his stupid smile. 

“Minhyun?”

Dongho looked surprised, one hand pressing against the wall to block his path just as he straighted up after removing his shoes. Minhyun arched one brow, body shifting to look behind him. There’s a mess on the living room table, packets of food and soju bottles on the floor. While not as many as exaggerated Korean dramas would do it, it was enough to make his brows twitch in displeasure, lips pressing together in a frown.

“What are, why are you here? I, I didn’t get your text that you’re coming-” 

“Well, this is my studio too, no?” He looked at the flustered producer, inching closer till he pressed his back against the wall, this time with Minhyun’s arms on either side of his head. At his height, cornering Dongho was something relatively easy to do. Watching those eyes widen like deer in headlights, Minhyun softened, leaning in to press a quick kiss. He tasted like soju, not his favourite taste to say the least, and the stubble prickled his skin. But it was a nice sensation, a familiar one that he can’t help but crave for more. One leg already hiked to his waist, the hands wrapped around Dongho’s neck.

“M-Minhyun?”

“Shut up and kiss me, idiot.”

Dongho shut up promptly, and Minhyun pressed into the kiss. The hands under his thighs hoisted him up easily; even with his taller physique, Dongho could easily carry him around. Between them, the producer was more of a princess material, but Minhyun couldn’t deny that it felt good whenever he’s carried in his arms.

“Hmm, more.”

Like he’s rehearsed a thousand times over, he carried him, somehow making his way through without stepping on the half-finished packet of chips and a fallen over green bottle.

“I swear, if you put me on the couch with the mess, I’m going to kill you.”

The steps stilled, turning one-eighty towards the bedroom. Minhyun sighed in contentment when his back hits the soft bed gently, arms still tightly around his neck. Dongho looked confused; Minhyun was rarely aggressive, except for a few rare instances. But today, there’s a different glow around him, a bit of excitement that he couldn’t quite put to words. 

“What happened?” he asked, bewildered. 

“Why, don’t like it?”

“No- I mean, yes, I like it.”

“...You really are an idiot.”

Minhyun looked at the way he stumbled over his words, chuckling as he shook his head. Dongho is so simple sometimes. It’s then that he lightened up, cupping his cheeks, pulling him in. Instead of a kiss however, he leaned to rest his chin on his shoulders, whispering the three words he owed him for the longest time. 

“ _I love you._ ”

“...eh?”

“You... _I love you_. I’ve...said this before. You were the one that didn’t catch the obvious hint, pushing me away only to what, drink yourself to oblivion? Tell me you’re not an idiot.”

He don’t know if Dongho understood the weight of those words, but seeing how his expressions turned from surprise to a look of happiness, Minhyun felt his ears burn as he burst out in laughter. He didn’t have time to reel himself in, before his voice was captured by Dongho’s lips, and Minhyun let himself get lost in him once again.

Later, when he left to shower after clearing the living room table ( “if you’re this messy again, I’m going to boot you out of your own house, no one is making my studio a slump!”), Dongho returned from his dinner pick up to a notebook laying on the clean table. It’s Minhyun’s lyric book, opened to a page with a bright orange post-it on it.

“A new song for you,” Dongho read, setting down the warm bowl of tteokbokki and other street snacks, attention drifted. It was dated a year ago, about the time when they got together. ( Because it wouldn’t be Dongho if he hadn’t marked the date they had sex as their first day together, albeit it being a secret that only he himself knew. )

His eyes roamed over the title, and the small pencil scribble right beside the blue ink.

“ _My ‘Universe’._ ”

* * *

Jonghyun woke up to an empty bed. The space was cold, figure long gone as he was in deep slumber. If he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he could still smell the lingering citrus scent, but that was all that was left of him, a mere shadow of the past. 

He’s always thought the breakup with Minhyun would be painful. He’s thought about it time and time again, selfishly ducking into his clam of safety as he bit back his tongue on the topic, pretending that nothing was wrong in the relationship if the other made no mentions. At one point in time, Jonghyun had relied on Minhyun so much that his world was centered around him, like a moon desperately trying to hold onto the orbit of the sun - what the textbook had told him that it was natural for the moon to be on a set path, only he realised how fatal attractions could pull and push into a collision.

They were in love, then they were not; like fire that burned so brightly that the ashes were in a fervent white for hours, a blind illusion that it was alive. 

But two years was a lot of time to let go. 

Today, Jonghyun didn’t feel a sense of pain, or frustration, or sadness at the missing presence. The windows were opened a crack, birds chirping and passing traffic filled up the brightly-lit room. Today, he was not alone. A small grin appeared on his face as he cast his gaze towards his phone, hand ruffling through his messy hair while he got out of bed.

What would happen to this apartment was an issue to discuss for another day, but for now, Jonghyun had something else to do, and a person to speak to. Looking at the miss call that he’s been ignoring for hours now, along with the unread text messages, the male finally took the courage to dial the number he’s long memorized. 

“Hyung? Sorry, I’d explain everything later...if you’re free to meet?”

Aron was silent by the time he was done with his story, the iced Americano left forgotten on the table, droplets of water pool on the surface as it soaked into the napkin. Jonghyun’s hands wrapped around the cold ceramic cup, eyes gazing into the brown liquid and watching his own reflection, wavering from his own trembling fingers. 

All the things he couldn’t say, Jonghyun was honest as he came clean about his thoughts. He told him about Minhyun - the boy that he had dated since he was 18 and young, thinking that they had forever. He told him about how it started to fall apart, how they both just chose to be silent, hurting each other thinking they were giving due respect to each other’s emotions. Jonghyun didn’t dwell too much on the details, but he knew someone as smart as Aron would easily put two and two together.

The days where he would always look into the distance, mind wrapped with random thoughts when left to his devices. The time he held his breath when Aron covered his eyes, action so similar to Minhyun when they were teens that surprised and shocked him all the same. The numerous rejections of his skinship till the fateful night he knocked on his doors. They were all little signs, filling up the gaps in Jonghyun’s spoken narration.

Then, the conversation flowed towards him - the boy that broke into the deepest part of his heart where he thought would never be touched again. Jonghyun told him how he wanted them to be friends, wanted a friendship with someone who could seemingly understand his every thought so seamlessly, so easily. He wanted a stable bubble where he could hide and seek solace, a distraction that could make him happy. 

Aron was all that and beyond. He was first and foremost a friend, but he took on even more roles. A playful elder brother who would also pamper him, with little gifts and a coffee treat. A mentor when he needed advice in life and at work, listening to his complaints after a long day and giving him the word of encouragement to push him on. He was also the lover, one who could make his heart skip a beat when he wrapped his arms around him, whispering in his ears. 

At some point in time, Aron had grown to take up a bigger part in his mind than he initially would have expected.

“I...really like you,” he confessed sincerely, locking gaze, “I like you a lot. That’s what I want you to know, and you deserved to know.” The male pursed his lips when he paused, chewing on his inner cheeks. He said everything that he could think off without much reservations, in a way that softly said ‘this is the Kim Jonghyun that you will be getting’. 

He doesn’t want to lose him, so Jonghyun knew he had to be honest. He didn’t want to hide his history, pretending that everything about them was perfect, because it wasn’t. _He_ wasn’t. 

Should he still wanted to pursue this relationship, Jonghyun wanted it to be on a brand new slate. 

Fingers drummed lightly along the cup. He was still nervous about it, because opening up to people in such a manner wasn’t easy. It took courage, it took time, but Jonghyun realised the worth and liberation that came with it. If in the case that Aron decided to walk out, Jonghyun would learn to respect that decision, as much as it hurt. The elder male looked at him with a perplexed look, and Jonghyun turned his line of sight towards the cold coffee again.

“I’m sorry.”

He mouthed the word more than muttered it out loud. Jonghyun owed this apology to him - an apology for not tying up his loose ends before he jumped into this dating sequence with him. An apology for withholding such important information that could make or break a budding relationship. For hurting him, an innocent passerby of his life, like this.

( But if there’s anything Jonghyun was not sorry for, it’s falling for Kwak Aron )

“...I don’t know.”

Aron’s voice came after a pregnant silence. Jonghyun didn’t look up, but he straightened up, like a lamb waiting for the final verdict of the butcher. He doesn’t blame Aron for his confusion, and he wasn’t going to expect any answers about them on the spot. The raven nodded slowly, wondering if he should leave now, to stop making this more awkward than it already was.

“It’s a lot to take in, I don’t know,” he repeated, shaking his head, withdrawing his hands on the table. Jonghyun looked up finally, doing the same as he rest curled fists atop his knees, like a schoolboy getting chided by his teacher. Aron would have laughed, if the situation wasn’t so complex that he did not know how to feel besides the element of surprise. “I, let me think about it.”

An honest reply, to an honest action.

Jonghyun blinked rapidly, eyes a little wet as he held his hands together, resting it on his lap. “You will?” he asked in disbelief. He might have wanted to pretend that he’s fine with Aron’s answer, but Jonghyun knew that a rejection at this point in time would still hurt. He himself didn’t know what he was expecting, though in his wildest, best-est dreams, Aron would accept him. 

He shook his head. One step at a time.

For now, he’s just grateful that Aron didn’t make a beeline out of the cafe. He nodded quickly. That was all that he needed. So he tried a smile, a weak, fleeting one.

“ _Thank you, hyung_.”

* * *

A cup of steaming hot mini potatoes in hand and their coffee seated safely in the cup holder, Jonghyun hummed along to the song playing on the car’s radio. The weather’s great, perfect for a drive in all of Autumn’s glory. After keeping to his apartment and working on his solo project for the last year, Jonghyun finally completed setting up his individual developing studio, with a team of four hardworking programmers that pushed out his first ever self-conceptualised mobile game. 

It’s a simple game where gamers can collect cats by placing props around the park. Simple in its design both on the backend and visual-wise, it caught on with great popularity for it’s easy-going nature suitable for all ages of players. In other words, while this was not the MMORPG he envisioned that would change Korea nor the world in its release, it was a good start.

And so, he decided that it was about time to reward himself with a trip. There wasn’t enough time for him to pack up for an overseas trip ( yet ), but a trip out of Seoul was perfect this time and day.

Besides, with Aron around, anywhere they go would be perfect.

He grinned at the thought, eyes cast outside to the passing scenery. The trees in the distance seemed to be shedding its green, patches of orange and reds making their way on top of the branches, waiting to paint the whole mountain with its gorgeous fall colors. There’s an urge to unwind the windows and lean along it, but Jonghyun held it in till they were out of this highway, when they neared the beach that they were expecting to pass by later in the day.

The songs jumped from one to another as he bobbed his head, their car pulling up to a stop in a jam.

Just then, a new song flickered onto the radio. It caught Jonghyun’s awareness for a split second, lips parted in an ‘o’ as he was about to point it to Aron, but the elder was even faster, switching it to another channel with the quick flick of his wrist.

“...”

“It’s his song, right?”

Jonghyun pressed his lips tighter so as not to break out into laughter, but he couldn’t contain himself at the way Aron pursed his lips into an annoyed pout, hands on the steering wheel as he leaned forward, forehead resting on the back of his hands, staring at him. Jonghyun chewed on the potatoes in amusement - it surprised him that Aron knew the song more than he did, when he was the one that told him of it.

Even when they haven’t been speaking to each other that often, Jonghyun still kept in contact with Minhyun every now and then. It’s mostly small exchanges, a word of what they’ve been up to and a quick ‘take care’. What happened between them would never go back to when it was before, but it was a kind of friendship that they still wanted to keep.

He knew his mother had been disappointed at first, but one look at the ginseng basket, charming smile on full blast and she’s all smiles again. Jonghyun had held his hand later that night on their way back to Aron’s apartment, thanking him for his thoughtfulness, and patience. After his last relationship, Jonghyun didn’t want to rush into things when he didn’t feel ready, and Aron was understanding of it, agreeing with the decision. 

“Are you jealous?” Jonghyun asked flatly, mimicking the gesture by resting his head forward. Aron shamelessly nodded, and the programmer just shut him up with a warm potato to his lips. The elder chewed on it, dramatically to make his point known, and Jonghyun cracked up, losing it. Finally setting the snack on the dashboard, he took a quick glance at the car behind him. It doesn’t seem like they could see them clearly, and the line wasn’t moving.

Aron had turned back to his wheel, straightening up, when a hand grabbed the collar of his polo tee, tugging him to the side. He met with Jonghyun’s lips, a peck that lasted longer than a second. They taste like soy sauce potatoes and a mix of coffee, but it’s an oddly welcoming taste. The sensation was fleeting, but from the way he grinned, as if saying ‘I only do this to you’, had Aron swiped his bottom lip with his tongue. A quick move to hold onto the back of Jonghyun’s neck, he pulled him back. 

Two years back, Aron had contemplated walking away without looking back. But he knew that Jonghyun meant it when he said he liked him, that the reason for his honesty was because he was serious about pursuing this relationship. It was complicated, especially when he always thought of himself as a person who saw black and white clearly as night and day. What Jonghyun did was essentially cheating, even if all that’s left of that relationship was the nostalgia of a friendship. 

Even more so, he couldn’t forget him.

Couldn’t forget the way he lights up when he cracked a joke, and the way he would fall asleep so soundly in his arms. He remembered the way he said his favourite place in the world is sitting right next to him just because he could finally fall asleep properly, the way he would tease Aron with weird alien noises, the way he always took such great care of Noah. The way he called his name when they’re together in their own little world. 

Before he knew it, Jonghyun had invaded every inch of his private life. Even if he was hurt, his heart yearned for him. But he couldn’t find the excuse to call him back after a week had passed. And yet another. Until they crossed paths again at the pet shop, when Noah had taken off from his arms jumping right into Jonghyun’s pair instead. 

Everything else just fell in place after that.

“...eep...BEEP!”

There’s a honk, and Aron nearly jumped if he wasn’t strapped in by his seat belt. They broke apart, Jonghyun barely catching his steamed potatoes as Aron stepped on the accelerator. The traffic had moved again, and he could feel the embarrassment creeping on his cheeks and neck being getting distracted cause he was making out with his boyfriend right out in public.

Jonghyun on the other hand was laughing, soft cackles slipping from his mouth as he shook his head. If Aron would pause to see, he would have seen the soft glow and hint of flush under his tanned skin. Well, it wasn’t like Aron had never seen it before; whenever they kissed under the sheets, fingers intertwined and Aron’s weight pressing against him, he would have seen the same expression time and time again.

And this weekend, there’s lots of chances for him.

He turned back towards the view outside the windows, past the curve of the highway leading them into a small town before ascending upwards to the mountains of their lodgings. 

The weather was great, but with Aron, he would brave the worst thunderstorms together.

* * *

“Alright hyung, rest well. Yes, yes, careful, hyung!”

Finally closing the door shut on the last visitor to their apartment, Dongho let out a happy sigh. They had gathered to celebrate the success of their newest release, a chart topper that surprised them dearly. Their songs were never for the mainstream market except for selected few, but he supposed even the indie market had its charms too in this saturated market of loud music. And Autumn was the perfect time to push them out. 

He turned around, peering at the empty living room, before the flutter of the window curtains caught his attention. 

Minhyun stretched his legs, leaning back as he propped himself up with arms behind him. It had been a busy day - there were interviews to get to in the morning, followed by a special recording for a new demo tape, then the dinner party. He still had to pack for his overseas trip soon, but looking at the moonlight casting its dim blue glow on the grounds, Minhyun supposed he had tomorrow to worry about it.

Dongho’s arms were warm when they wrapped around him, pulling him into his lap. Minhyun hummed contently, shifting till he’s comfortable, head tucked under the other’s chin, adapting a fully lazy posture with his weight all on his lover. 

He had moved out of his shared apartment with Jonghyun soon after the breakup, finding his new home in Dongho’s studio apartment. It was smaller than his old one, and while Dongho seemed flustered about it and almost embarrassed, Minhyun had promptly decided that it was more than enough. A big house was nice, but it wasn’t his concern. ‘Besides’, he chided, ‘this place is homey. If we maintain it well.’ 

They did, and Minhyun added a few more touches to brush up the area. He’s not the best at decorating, but at least the space was kept clean and tidy. He bought a few containers to keep loose items and equipment, filled up the fridge with food so Dongho wasn’t sticking to his microwavables. Minhyun’s clothes took over his closet, taking up more than half the space.

As they finally earned enough to move into a bigger apartment, nearby a refurbished professional studio to keep their work and home separate entities, Dongho still found it unbelievable that he’s living with Minhyun now. Their current place looked almost similar to the last one, except that the studio had been changed to a study room, and the guest room was now a composition room where his instruments were laid out. They each have a space for their own privacy, but when it’s time to tune in at night, Minhyun would burst into Dongho’s music room, dragging the man to bed so that he could get ample rest. 

It was a nice change of pace. And he’d be sure to miss it when Minhyun flies next month.

“You’ve worked hard,” Dongho said, kissing the crown of Minhyun’s head as he squeezed his waist. Minhyun hummed, mumbling the words back to him as he pressed himself closer, snuggling him. The midnight wind was a little chilly, but in a comfortable way. “...How’s the packing coming along?”

“I haven’t started,” Minhyun stated confidently, eyes closing as he yawned, but he forced his eyes open. He pushed himself away now, because it’s always too easy to get lulled into sleep in Dongho’s arms, especially when he’s had a tiring day. He moved, turning around so he’s still sitting on Dongho’s lap, but this time facing him. There’s a shadow of his beard already popping out, but it’s the dark eye circles that garnered a frown. “It’s still early,” he commented on the topic at hand. 

“I thought you liked being prepared?” There’s a cheeky undertone to his words, but Dongho’s eyes were tired and held a hint of melancholy within them. Minhyun chuckled, pinching his cheeks. 

“It’s just three months for a language course. I’d be back sooner than you’d think.”

“I know that! It’s just, three months isn’t a short time, you know.”

Minhyun encircled his arms around his shoulders. Surely, three months wasn’t a short time, especially for two people who were around each other for most part of their time. Minhyun used to think it was impossible working with someone you’re attached to, but working with Dongho had been a bliss. And now, they’re almost joined at the hip. It’s a dangerous thing to do, to rely on someone like this again, having most of his world attached to someone else’s name.

But he trusts Dongho. From the very first day they met, Dongho had shown and proven himself to be trustworthy. It’s one of the reasons why he gave him his heart.

“You can always come with me if you wanted,” he shrugged a little. Going to Japan to complete a language course was always part of his agenda when he was working in an office. And now with even more flexibility as they started recruiting more people into the expanding music production studio, Minhyun thought it was a good time to try something new. He’s always had some basic knowledge of Japanese language, why not honed it to conquer the market?

Dongho had begrudgingly agreed, even though he knew that whatever Minhyun wanted, he would give. He’s that idiot, but he’s Minhyun’s idiot. 

Once, the male had asked him why he accepted him even though he knew he was cheating. Dongho had fallen silent, and then sheepily scratched his cheek. ‘Because I like you,’ he said, a silly smile plastered on his face while Minhyun’s demeanor eased up. That’s how Dongho’s always been, so encompassing whenever it’s regarding him. He pampered, spoiled and loved him, consistent from beginning to end. 

What has he done to even deserve someone like this? Minhyun knew he wasn’t perfect, but his lover was the kind of person who would pull all stops to make him feel that he was, in his clumsy way. 

( Dongho was the perfect man, and Minhyun knew he was lucky, so lucky. )

The producer widened his eyes a little, excitement rising even though he held it down with a deep intake of air, voice wavering, “really?”

Minhyun almost rolled his eyes, but Dongho looked like a baby at the moment he couldn’t help but kiss him instead. “Yes, idiot. I haven’t booked my accomodations, after all. We can just get an airbnb or an aparthotel or something. You can also work on your stuff there? We don’t need much, just rent a studio, bring your turntables, set your things up. Besides, there’s other people at the studio to handle your workload now. We still haven’t had our own travels together.”

It didn’t bring about the kind of reaction he was expecting as Dongho gapped, blinking in silence. Minhyun waved his hand to get the other male to snap out of his daze, before he blurted. 

“Like a honeymoon-?”

The smack on Dongho’s forehead rang out in the apartment as he yelped, Minhyun hurrying to rub and soothe out the reddening patch of skin in his flustered emotions. “I...I didn’t mean to do that,” he explained, wincing. The words surprised him, making his ears burn a bright red, hands moving before he could stop himself. “Yah, Kang Dongho you idiot. What honeymoon, I haven’t even met your parents yet!”

“So, would you meet my parents?”

“I- Dongho!”

But Dongho was serious, and Minhyun could see it in his eyes even if he wasn’t putting his thoughts onto melody. He could sense his lover’s eagerness behind hopeful orbs, and that small worry of rejection. 

Definitely an idiot.

He rested his forehead against his, eyes closed, feeling his breath on his lips as he whispered his words. “When?”

“...You…”

“I’m serious,” he cuts his questioning statement off quickly. It’s embarrassing to repeat himself, and the burn slipped down from the ears to his neck. “If your parents aren’t ready yet, then…”

“They are.”

“...They are?”

“I’ve...told them about you.”

It’s Minhyun’s turn to be surprised, taking a once-over look at Dongho as he placed one hand on his neck. Their eyes met, and after a second of silence, both erupted in laughter. Meeting parents was a big deal; he knew how his parents loved Jonghyun, and knew how much it hurt them when they broke apart. It made him realise the significance of introducing someone to them, so he’s always careful when mentioning Dongho. So how can he not be touched when Dongho had already put his faith in him?

He had been hesitating about it for the last two years, but now, he felt ready.

Ready enough.

“Then, it’s a promise,” he hummed, pushing him down till he was comfortably sprawled on top of him, inhaling his scents, pressing his lips to his, “let’s clock it in, Mr. Producer.”

And this time, he could finally make a promise to him, sealed with a kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: thank you for reading to the end! this fic has been a really long and wild ride, and even i never imagined it to be of this length. it's probably the longest i've ever written, and i hope it entertained and kept you guys engaged as much as possible. there's a lot i wanted to write about each character and their love stories, and it was a complicated challenge for myself that i'm glad to complete, even if it wasn't perfect. 
> 
> i'm really glad to be able to try my hands at writing 2hyun and baekmin for the first time as well, which wouldn't have been possible if i didn't attempt something new for this challenge, so thank you nufics and to the prompter for this! 
> 
> follow me on [@sng_iyagi](https://twitter.com/sng_iyagi) and find me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/sng_iyagi)! ♡ sng


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